It's Not Over
by racefh853629
Summary: Sequel to "It's Not My Time," picking up two months after the other story ends.
1. Prologue

A/N: Yes, I'm back and yes, this is the sequel. I still don't own NCIS, CBS, or any other known entity. The title of the story is a song by Daughtry, and I also definitely don't own that. I am basing a lot of Tony's conferences and things off earlier episodes of NCIS, where laptops were used to reach homebase. If that is not true to real life, I apologize, and those episodes are my reasoning for having things the way they are. As mentioned previously, this is the sequel to, "It's Not My Time," and while certain parts of the final chapters are highlighted in this prologue, there won't be too much reiteration. That being said, it'll serve you well to read that one before you read this one. Mature themes and scenes will come up along the way, which is why this will be rated M. This story may end up being slightly more graphic than the other one (it may not, but I'm preparing you all for anything), so bear that in mind as you read this. Finally, I hope you all enjoy the story, and please review. :)

* * *

Prologue: How Far We've Come

_**Previously…**_

"_A little," Tony admitted quietly. "Because… I don't want them to think I'm weak."_

"_Do you think our victim was weak?" Gibbs probed gently, but with a little bit of a strong undertone._

"_No."_

"_Do you think any other rape victim you've ever met was weak?"_

"_No."_

"_So why are you so different?"_

_*~*~*~*_

"_Tony, Ziva," Jenny said softly. "You two will be coming with me to L.A., day after tomorrow."_

_*~*~*~*_

"_I've got a bad feeling about this," Tony said._

"_Humor me," Ziva replied._

"_No, I mean, I got a bad feeling about what we're going to find."_

_*~*~*~*_

"_She's dead, Gibbs," Tony said, his voice a little stronger as he scrubbed his hand over his face. He waited for Gibbs to start yelling, and was surprised at the next question that came from the older man._

"_You and Ziva okay?"_

"_We're fine. We… uh… we weren't there."_

_*~*~*~*_

"_Rough few days," Vance began. No one responded, so Vance continued. "Officer David. The liaison position with NCIS is being terminated. You're going home."_

_Ziva simply glanced at Gibbs, who clearly had no indication this was going to happen._

"_McGee," Vance continued. "I'm moving you across to the Cybercrimes Unit. You'll be working with Officer Hollister."_

_McGee also looked in shock at Gibbs, but said nothing._

"_Agent DiNozzo?" Vance said._

"_Sir?" Tony replied dismally._

"_You're being reassigned. Agent Afloat,_ USS Ronald Reagan_. Pack your bags. You fly out tomorrow."_

_Tony swallowed the lump in his throat, saying nothing._

"_Agent Gibbs," Vance said in summation, taking the folders and walking around his desk. He handed them to Gibbs. "Meet your new team."_

_*~*~*~*_

**Two Months Later**

Tony allowed his head to drop against the back of his desk chair as he waited. The day was long and tiring, and he wanted nothing more than to just hit the rack and forget the whole thing ever happened, but he knew he needed to do this. If for no other reason than to give him some semblance of the sanity he had lost months ago.

Two months ago, to be exact.

He had only lasted two weeks on the _Reagan_ before Vance decided to move him to the _Seahawk_, where Tony was currently stationed. He had daily reports and weekly conferences with Vance, and while he understood the daily reports, the weekly conferences seemed a bit excessive. Vance assured him that after a while they would be on an as needed basis.

Tony couldn't wait for that day.

But this was not a conference with Vance that he was waiting for, and while that should have made him more excited for it, he was tired and just wanted to hit the rack. And after this, he would. But he had to do this first.

His screen finally showed Gibbs' face, and Tony inwardly smiled. It felt good to still be acknowledged by his old boss and, arguably, his best friend.

"Hey Boss," Tony said tiredly.

"DiNozzo," Gibbs replied.

"You talk to Vance yet?"

"I'm talking to you."

"I can't take it here anymore, Boss."

Tony watched as Gibbs shifted in his seat, sighing. "I know," the older man said.

"That's not what this is about. What is this about?" Tony asked.

"Abby hasn't heard from you, and wouldn't let this go until I could prove you were still alive."

Tony smiled slightly. "Tell her I've just been busy, and that I'll talk to her tomorrow," he said.

"Fair enough," Gibbs replied. He almost stared down Tony, scrutinizing him.

"I'm doing okay, Boss."

"You sure?"

Tony scoffed. _Busted_. "Not really, no."

"Because you look like crap."

Tony half-chuckled, smirking lightly. "I miss you too, Boss."

Gibbs nodded. He watched Tony closely for a moment before saying, "Take care of yourself, DiNozzo."

"Will do." As suddenly as the conference began, it was over, and Tony found himself stumbling toward the rack. He threw himself into it, still wearing the clothes he had on all day. He closed his eyes, allowing the stress of the day to wash away with the waves that also coerced him into a deep sleep.

*~*~*~*

Gibbs made his way into Abby's lab, finding the tech asleep at her desk. Not wanting to disturb her, he peered over her shoulder to see what she was working on before draping her jacket over her shoulders. He kissed her on the top of the head, leaving Tony's message for her before turning and walking out of the lab.

Gibbs chose to avoid the bullpen as much as possible, wanting to avoid his new team. Two months into it, and they still had no idea what the hell they were doing. Hell, even stubborn DiNozzo trained faster than that. He would never admit it, but Gibbs wanted his old team back. They were excellent agents, and he needed them.

McGee was still around, and stopped by at least once a week to see Abby and Gibbs, but mostly Abby. Last week, McGee and Gibbs had dinner together, talking about what was going on. McGee didn't like the sub-basement and severely hated the Cybercrimes Unit, but was mostly awkward, due the fact that the people he was working with called him, "Boss." Despite his brief tenure as Tony's senior field agent, he still wasn't comfortable being a leader that people looked up to.

And Ziva. Well, no one had heard from Ziva.

Gibbs sighed, sitting down on the stairs. He really did miss his agents. He had hoped that DiNozzo was holding it together but judging by what he saw on the screen, he knew that his senior field agent had fallen apart. And the worst part was that Gibbs was completely helpless to do anything about it.

*~*~*~*

Abby woke up as she heard footsteps approaching her lab. She looked up in time to see Director Vance enter. "Director," she said. "What can I do for you?"

"I was just seeing who was still here," he replied. "You might want to go home, Miss Sciuto. Get some rest."

"I will when the test is finished running, sir."

"Okay. I'll hold you to that."

She nodded as he walked out, shooting a glare at his retreating form. She turned around to find the message Gibbs left for her, smiling to herself. She knew from Tony's notes thus far that the _Seahawk_ was between the Atlantic and the Gulf of Mexico, so he was relatively close to their time zone. She figured he was probably asleep, and knew that if nothing else, Tony was a man of his word.

Her computer finally beeped with a match, and she smiled. She printed out the results, planning to walk upstairs and give them to Special Agent Balboa. She closed up everything, locked up the lab, and walked to the stairwell. She had to admit she was surprised to see Gibbs still sitting there.

"Hey Gibbs," she said, popping down next to him.

"Hey Abs," he replied. "Got something?"

"I do. For Special Agent Balboa."

Gibbs nodded.

Abby sighed softly, looking over at him. "Is he okay, Gibbs?"

"Who, Balboa?"

Abby fixed him a light glare. "Tony," she said.

"He's fine," Gibbs replied, putting his arm around her. "He's Tony."

Abby closed her eyes, leaning into his embrace. "That's why I'm worried."

"He's always told you the truth, Abs. If he's not okay, he'll tell you."

"I know. It's just… last time I talked to him, he didn't look so good."

_He still doesn't look good now,_ Gibbs thought. "You'll just have to talk to him," he said aloud.

"I know," Abby said. "And I will tomorrow."

Gibbs nodded, saying nothing.

"So… why are you sitting on the stairs?" she asked.

"Thinking," Gibbs replied.

"About Tony?"

"General stuff, Abs."

"Don't you normally do that in your basement with the boat?"

He looked at her.

"You don't leave while I'm still here unless it's for a case," she said as the realization struck her.

He looked back down the stairs.

"I've never known you to sit on the stairs, though," Abby said.

"Wanted to catch you before you left," Gibbs said. "Didn't want to wake you up, though."

"Thanks."

Gibbs stood up, extending his hand to Abby. He pulled her up off the stairs, walking up to the bullpen with her. She handed Balboa the report, explained her findings, and headed out of the building with Gibbs.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Gibbs," she said, climbing into her car.

Gibbs nodded, watching Abby drive away. He sighed, climbing into his own car and driving home.

Gibbs had seen that Tony wasn't handling things well. He had told Tony before he shipped out to call him if he needed anything. Clearly, like most other instructions Gibbs had given him, Tony ignored that. Or maybe Tony just didn't need Gibbs anymore. Gibbs shook his head. The last part wasn't true, but he did have one question.

What exactly was Tony using as his crutch?


	2. Chapter 1

A/N: Barring writer's block, my plan is to stick to a weekly update schedule. See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you guys enjoy the chapter, and please review. :D

* * *

Chapter 1: "I'm in Hell"

Tony woke up as his phone chimed, reminding him that he was, once again, waking up in hell. He dragged himself out of his rack, taking a quick shower before heading back to his quarters. He got dressed and made his way to the mess, catching a quick breakfast before heading back to his area of the ship.

He sat down behind his computer, booting it up and typing last night's report that he had failed to finish before his conference with Gibbs. Not that Vance really cared so long as it was in his email before noon. He quickly sent the email to Vance before opening up an instant messenger connection. It wasn't long before Abby's face appeared on his screen.

"TONY!" she screamed excitedly. He smiled.

"Hey Abby," he replied, leaning back in his chair.

"I miss you so much. Gibbs won't admit it, but he does too. And so does McGee."

"How are our fearless leader and McGeekle?"

"Gibbs is grumpier than usual, mostly because Keating, Lee, and Langer aren't the best agents. Two months and they still can't get the routine down. But they aren't as bad as when they first got here… they're all just new."

"I thought Langer had worked with Gibbs before."

"Yeah, but that was so long ago. Plus, Gibbs was never able to train him into the type of agent Gibbs likes, you know?"

"That's true."

"And McGee comes over about once a week and we have lunch together, but it's not the same. I'm still used to seeing him every day, even though it's been two months."

"Yeah, I know what you mean."

"But at least the _Seahawk_ is better than the _Reagan_, right?"

Tony rolled his eyes slightly. "Marginally," he said softly. "At least they like me a little better here."

Abby frowned. "Yeah," she said. "So, Gibbs said you said you were busy. What have you been up to?"

"Investigating the doctor."

"What'd he do?"

"He hands out pain medications like it's candy."

"Oh."

"Yeah. I'm trying to keep myself busy so I don't have to think about how much I hate it here."

"I'm sorry," Abby said with a frown.

Tony shrugged. "Some of the guys aren't bad," he said softly. "The officers aren't as friendly as the enlisted men. A few of the enlisted guys are always asking me if I want to hang out or get a drink with them or something."

"That's good."

"Yeah. It's their first deployment, a bunch of young kids, and they really don't know what they're getting into, but they're loving it. They're making friends, trying to stay out of trouble. And what better way to stay out of trouble than to party with the NCIS Agent Afloat?"

Abby chuckled. "Yeah, that's true," she said.

"I'd rather be back at home, though," he told her.

"I know. But, at least you've made a few friends."

"Yeah. A few of the enlisted, and the skipper."

Abby shrugged. "Better than no one."

Tony nodded, then frowned. "I miss you guys."

"We miss you too. Have you heard from Ziva at all?"

"No. How about you guys?"

"Not at all," she sighed.

Tony let his head drop back against the top of his seat. "I hope she's okay," he said after a minute.

"She's Ziva, Tony. Of course she's okay."

Tony half-shrugged, smiling. "Yeah, that's true."

"How is everything else going? Are you doing okay?"

"I'm doing fine," Tony said immediately.

"You're getting worse at lying," Abby observed.

Tony sighed softly. "I'm in hell, Abby. And it won't stop until I get back home."

*~*~*~*

Gibbs stayed silent as he stood in the doorway, listening to Abby and Tony's conversation. He had been standing there long enough to hear their concerns about Ziva, and he knew that Abby was probably right. She was Ziva. She'd be okay.

What had caught his attention was Tony's confession. Anyone looking at Tony could tell that he wasn't doing well. He looked as if he'd aged ten years instead of two months. But for Tony to actually admit that he was in hell…

Gibbs watched as Tony's eyes averted to his direction, and he gave his former senior field agent a nod of acknowledgement. Tony smiled.

"Hi, Boss," he said.

Abby turned around, looking to Gibbs in the doorway.

"DiNozzo," Gibbs replied.

"Morning, Gibbs," Abby said, smiling. She turned back around to Tony. "Have you talked to anyone?"

"There really isn't anyone to talk to, Abs," Tony replied. "It's not that easy."

"You have us."

Tony glanced over at Gibbs, who caught the faraway look in Tony's eyes. The one that said he had been weak enough in front of them. The one that said there was no one to talk to so long as he was away at sea. Gibbs nodded, turning and walking out of the room.

He had to advocate for his agent's welfare.

*~*~*~*

"Tony, please, talk to me," Abby pleaded.

"Abs," Tony began, before pausing to choose his words carefully. "I just… I miss everyone. It sucks being the only one here. And…"

"You still feel guilty?" she interrupted.

"Yeah," Tony breathed. _Among other things…_

"Tony, if I could, I would give you the biggest hug right now, but since I can't, you're going to have to hug yourself."

Tony snorted softly. "I do that every night, Abs."

She frowned, trying to fight back the tears that wanted to come over her. She knew Tony had been depressed before Jenny died. He had suffered through a brutal attack, one that she still didn't know all the details of, and had somehow made it back onto his feet. But he had still been upset, and then Jenny's death…

Abby knew that Tony had put so much of the blame on himself. He had told her that their last night together, after she had come over to his place while he packed. He broke down after he had finished, half-drunk and depressed, crying on her shoulder at the fact that he had failed…

*~*~*~*

_Flashback:_

"_It's not fair," Abby said from her position on Tony's couch, her knees tucked against her chest._

"_No, it isn't," Tony agreed, sitting down next to her. He had just finished packing up the last of his stuff. He had rented a storage locker that he was moving his belongings to tomorrow before heading to the Norfolk to hop a COD to the _Reagan_. "But, I let the director get killed. I deserve it."_

"_That's not true."_

"_What, that I let the director get killed, or that I deserve it?"_

"_Both. Tony, what happened to Director Shepard wasn't your fault."_

"_Yes, it was. If we had just tailed her…"_

"_What do you think would have happened?"_

"_She'd be alive," he said, taking a long drink from the rum and Coke in his hand that was one part Coke for every three parts rum._

"_Would you?" she countered, drinking from her beer. She watched as he shrugged._

"_Does it matter?"_

_She sighed, tilting her head. "To you, or to me?"_

"_Either."_

"_Of course it matters to me, Tony. You're my best friend, my overprotective older brother. I love you." She threw her arms around him, pulling him against her. "Doesn't your life matter to you?"_

"_No."_

_Her mouth dropped open in shock of his honesty, and all she could do was gasp as the tears started to fall down her face._

"_I've screwed this life up so many times that I don't want to be around to make more mistakes," he continued, his eyes on the drink in his hand rather than the distraught woman beside him. "I love you, and Gibbs, and Ziva, and McGee, and Ducky, and even Palmer. And I can't stand the thought of one of you guys getting hurt because of me. Because I'm stupid. Because I'm a giant failure. Because I can't even protect myself."_

"_Tony…" she started._

_He shook his head. "Why did I ever think that protection detail for Jenny was something I could actually do?" Tears began to pour out of his half-drunk eyes. "I'm just a failure, Abby. A huge failure."_

_End Flashback_

*~*~*~*

"Abby?" Tony asked.

"Huh?" she replied, looking at the screen.

"You okay? You looked lost there for a minute."

"Just thinking."

"About?"

"The night before you left."

"Oh," Tony said softly, looking down.

"Tell me something," Abby said.

"Anything."

"How much of what you said that night is still true?"

"What do you mean?"

"Everything."

He sighed heavily. "I'm still a failure," he said softly. "I still love you guys. I still got Jenny killed."

"So, pretty much, everything," she said, her voice as soft as his.

He nodded, saying nothing.

"Tony…" she started, but was interrupted by a person knocking on his door. She gave him a nod, and he sighed.

"Enter," he said, turning his head toward the door.

"Agent DiNozzo?" Petty Officer Third Class Joseph Maye said as he walked in.

"Yes, Petty Officer?"

"Will you have a moment to speak later? I know you're busy right now, sir…" He looked over at the screen, giving a quick nod to Abby.

"Sure, Petty Officer. Drop by later."

"Yes, sir. I'll let you get back to your conversation. Sir. Ma'am."

"Take care, Petty Officer."

Joseph walked away, and Tony turned back to the camera.

"A friend of yours?" Abby asked.

"No," Tony replied. "But I have become the counselor for some of the younger men."

"Oh, cool. Do you get paid extra?"

He laughed. "I wish, but I think the Navy doesn't have that money to spare."

"Damn." She smiled. "It's good to hear you laugh."

"Haven't had many opportunities for that in a while," he said.

"Yeah, I know," Abby replied. "I miss you, Tony."

"I miss you too, Abs."

"When's the next time you get to come close to here?"

Tony shrugged. "Not anytime soon enough."

"You need to come home."

"Talk to Vance."

"He doesn't like me."

Tony chuckled softly. "Are you sure you're not projecting?" he teased.

"Well, there's that," she replied, smiling. "But… I think he doesn't like me either."

"He's not trying to change how you dress or give you an assistant, is he?"

"No."

"Good. Because I'm not around to be framed for murder again."

Abby laughed, despite herself. Tony smiled, finding it good that he could still amuse her. Another person knocked on his door.

"Enter," Tony said, looking over.

"Agent DiNozzo," Seaman Matthew Johnson said, poking his head in. "A few of us are gonna try to get a game going. You wanna join?"

"Maybe later, Matt," Tony replied.

"Okay, sir."

"Matt, this is Abby, one of my colleagues at NCIS."

"Nice to meet you, ma'am."

"Likewise," Abby replied, smiling.

"I'm sorry to have interrupted your conversation," Matt said. "I'll let you get back to it. We don't go on shift until 1500, so we'll be playing until 1400. Feel free to drop in, sir."

"Thanks, Matt," Tony replied.

"Take care, ma'am."

"You too," Abby said.

"Good day, sir," Matt said, leaving. Tony turned back to the computer.

"Now, he's one of your friends," Abby commented.

"Yeah," Tony replied.

"What game is he talking about?"

"Egyptian Rat Screw."

Abby laughed. "And that game has to end by 1400?"

"They set an early time limit, because they almost always go over it."

She laughed again. "Sounds like someone else I know," she remarked.

"Let's not talk about that," he replied, a slight blush coming to his face as a different memory, one triggered by the talk about limits, popped into his head…

*~*~*~*

_Flashback:_

_Abby and Tony were sitting in a bar, almost two months after he joined NCIS, talking about their past._

"_So, you said you've never really stayed in one place very long," she said._

"_Longest was Baltimore," he replied, drinking from his beer._

"_How long do you think you'll be here?"_

_He laughed. "Depends. How long before Gibbs gets better?"_

"_Depends on how fast you learn," she commented, drinking from her beer._

_He scoffed lightly. "Great," he said. "Looks like I'll only be here for a year, tops."_

"_He's tough, but he's loyal," Abby said. "He always has his agents' backs in every situation. 'It's a Marine thing,' he always says. You've already gotten past the worst of it. He chose you to be here."_

"_Yeah, but…"_

"_Did you expect him to be nice to you just because he picked you to be here?"_

_Tony shrugged._

"_That's not how Gibbs works," she said._

"_He hates me, Abby," he replied._

"_If he hated you, he'd be tougher on you. You may not see it now, but when an agent comes onto the team that he really doesn't like, you'll know."_

"_Care to make a wager?" Tony asked with a drink._

"_Sure," Abby replied. "How much?"_

"_Hundred bucks."_

"_Terms?"_

"_I win if I'm out of there in a year."_

"_I win if you're Senior Field Agent in a year."_

_They cemented the deal with a handshake and a drink._

_End flashback_

*~*~*~*

"I still owe you a hundred," Tony said suddenly.

"What?" Abby said, looking at him.

"I still owe you a hundred dollars from that bet we made."

"What bet?"

"Two months after I joined NCIS."

"Oh, right, that bet," Abby said, thinking. Things had gotten so busy and confusing in the years since they made that bet that both of them had forgotten about it until now. "Tell you what, you can pay me next time you see me."

"At the rate Vance is going, that'll be never."

"You better hope not. There's interest on that hundred, baby."

Tony laughed. "How much is it up to now?" he asked.

"A hundred and three dinners," she replied, smiling.

"Fair enough."

Another person knocked on Tony's door, causing him to groan softly.

"I'm gonna let you go, Tony," Abby said. "But listen to me, okay? You call me, email me, whatever whenever you need me, okay?"

"I promise, Abs," Tony said.

"Okay," Abby said. "I'll hold you to that."

"Yeah, I know."

"Take care, Tony."

"You too, Abs. Tell McGee I said hi next time you see him."

"I will."

"Bye, Abby."

"Bye, Tony."

He closed the connection before turning to answer his door yet again.


	3. Chapter 2

A/N: Sorry this one's coming a little later in the day than normal, but it's been that kind of a week. See the first chapter for the disclaimer. As always, I hope you guys enjoy this one, and please review. :)

* * *

Chapter 2: "He Needs to be Here"

Gibbs walked upstairs, making his way into the director's office. Vance eyed the rather unwelcomed intrusion from behind his desk. "Agent Gibbs," Vance said. "Doors don't mean anything, do they?"

"What is this, Leon?" Gibbs replied, ignoring Vance's annoyance.

"Depends on what you're talking about." Vance stood up, walking around his desk to face Gibbs.

"DiNozzo's deployment."

"Seven years as an agent. Just figured it was time."

Gibbs turned half of his mouth upward, giving Vance a disproving look. "That's not it, is it?"

"I guess the better question is, why are you in my office?" Vance asked, folding his arms across his chest.

"You trying to punish him, Leon?" Gibbs asked, continuing his previous thoughts.

"Agent DiNozzo's doing fine. I get reports from him every day and talk to him weekly."

"You think he screwed up in L.A., that it?"

"That's not why he's Agent Afloat."

"You do think he screwed up," Gibbs said, narrowing his eyes.

"Him and Officer David had one job in Los Angeles," Vance replied.

"Jenny's death was not their fault."

"They were assigned to protect her. Where were they when she was killed?"

"Following her orders to stay away," Gibbs practically growled. "You broke our team up because of that?"

"No," Vance said.

"Then what the hell are we doing here, Leon?"

Vance said nothing, staring back at him.

"Bring DiNozzo back," Gibbs said.

"You don't get to make those orders, Agent Gibbs, until you're in this chair in this office," Vance replied.

"Maybe if you were doing a better job of taking care of your people, I wouldn't have to make those orders."

"Agent DiNozzo still has five more months on the _Seahawk_. After that, we'll figure out where he fits in."

"He fits in here."

Vance held his glare. "If that's all, Agent Gibbs."

Gibbs gave one final look, turning to walk out of the office. With his hand on the door, he turned back. "He needs to be here, Leon," he said simply. And with that, Gibbs walked out of the office, leaving Vance to his thoughts.

*~*~*~*

After catching a new case and having delivered the evidence hours ago, Gibbs walked into Abby's lab, finding her somewhat sunken over her computer screens. "What do ya got, Abs?" he asked.

"Fingerprints ID the vic as Corporal Nathan Taylor," she said softly. "Trace and DNA are still running."

Gibbs moved next to her at the desk, putting his hand on her shoulder. "You have a good talk with DiNozzo?" he probed gently.

"It was okay. We kept getting interrupted by his shipmates."

Gibbs watched her as she turned to look at him.

"He needs to be here, Gibbs," she said softly. "He's not doing well."

"I know, Abs," Gibbs replied, rubbing her shoulder gently.

"Have you talked to Vance?"

Gibbs nodded.

"What did he say?"

Gibbs looked at her.

"Right, it's private. But this isn't just about Tony being spoiled or anything. He's really not doing well. And, well, with everything earlier this year…"

"I know, Abby," he said.

"I'm worried about him, Gibbs," she said, hugging onto him tightly. "Please, Gibbs. Please get him home."

Gibbs said nothing, rubbing her on the back. Truth be told, he couldn't say anything. He could make all the recommendations to Vance that he wanted, but Vance was the director, and therefore held the power to keep Tony afloat or to reinstate him in Washington.

*~*~*~*

After his conversation with Joseph, Tony made his way down to where the Seamen were playing cards. "Agent DiNozzo!" Seaman Robert Thomas said. "Slap your way in anytime, sir!"

"Thanks, Rob," Tony replied, pulling a chair up to the table as the men made room for him.

"Agent DiNozzo," Seaman Andrew Smith began.

"What's up, Drew?"

"Can we talk later?"

"Sure. Just stop by whenever." Tony slapped his way into the game while the players were focused on the conversation, and they groaned slightly.

"Good slap, sir," Matt said.

"Thanks, Matt," Tony replied. The game raged on until 1430, when most of the players had to get ready to go on shift. Drew followed Tony to his office, determined to talk before shift started.

"What's up, Drew?" Tony asked as he closed the door behind them.

"Forgive me if I'm out of line, sir, but I wanted to make sure you were doing okay," Drew said.

Tony tilted his head. "What makes you think I'm not?"

"Permission to speak freely, sir?"

"Go for it."

"You don't seem to talk to or hang out with anyone but us, sir. If you're not with us, you're talking to the Doctor or you're here in your office, sir. And while you've been good for all of us, I don't think the reverse can be said to be true, and I'm concerned that you're not doing well at all. You drink a lot, you only come play cards with us every few times we invite you, and… well, we all check in on each other here, so I wanted to check in with you, sir."

"I appreciate that, Drew," Tony said, giving the seaman a small smile. "I'm okay."

"Are you sure, sir?" Drew asked.

Tony sighed. "I've got a lot on my plate that I'm trying to sift through, but I'm doing okay."

"Okay, sir."

"Anything else, Drew?"

"No, sir."

"Thanks for looking in on me."

"Any time, sir."

Tony nodded, smiling lightly. "You might want to head to your post, Seaman, before you're late to shift," he said.

"Yes, sir," Drew said. "Have a good day, sir."

"You too."

Drew nodded, leaving Tony alone in his office. It was in that moment that he realized he hadn't been hiding his pain as well as he had hoped. If Drew had noticed, Tony figured a few others knew. He shrugged to himself. No one liked being deployed possibly into harm's way during times of war. That was a good enough excuse. There wasn't much more that anyone needed to know.

And he was almost sure that no one else would ask.

*~*~*~*

Gibbs walked upstairs, making his way back into Director Vance's office. "Good, you're here," Vance said.

"What is it?" Gibbs replied, slightly annoyed.

"Help figure this out, we'll talk about bringing back Agent DiNozzo."

Gibbs looked on.

Vance brought the security camera in the squad room up onto the plasma in his office, focusing on Gibbs' newly formed team. "One of these three is a traitor to their country," Vance continued.

"Why the hell are they on my team?" Gibbs snapped angrily.

"Figured after being with you for a while, your gut would tell you that something was off with one of them, and you'd come talk to me."

Gibbs looked at him.

"One of them is selling out our secrets," Vance continued, looking back at the screen. "You need to figure out which one."

Gibbs said nothing, staring back at the TV screen with a certain type of intensity.

"Go check in with McGee in the Cyber unit," Vance added.

"Ziva following a lead too?" Gibbs asked finally.

"In Morocco, at last check. Undercover."

Gibbs nodded, saying nothing as he headed for the door.

"Gibbs," Vance said.

"You don't need to explain the rules to me, Leon," Gibbs replied as he made his way out of the door. "I already know how to play the game."


	4. Chapter 3

A/N: I apologize that it's been 2 weeks since I updated... I had wicked writer's block, and to be honest, it's not completely resolved. See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you enjoy this one, and please review. :D

* * *

Chapter 3: Two Down, One to Go

Gibbs walked into the sub-basement, watching as McGee's team left for the night. "Boss?" Gibbs asked, slightly amused. McGee looked up from his computer screen.

"They call me that because I've actually been out in the field," the junior agent replied.

"What do you got for me, McGee?"

McGee looked confused as Vance appeared beside Gibbs. "Uh…"

"Let him in, McGee," Vance said.

"Yes, sir," McGee replied. "I've been working through the levels of encryption, and have found out a few things. First, this is some of the toughest encryption this side of the browser wars."

"You've been getting through it."

"But you might not like what I've found…"

*~*~*~*

The more the pieces started to fall together, the more it looked like Agent Lee was the mole. At least, until McGee dug up more evidence that proved her side of the story.

"Looks like Lee's in the clear," Vance said, looking over at the screen. "One down, two to go."

*~*~*~*

McGee was in the sub-basement, still working on Vargo's laptop, when the alert started clamoring for his attention. He looked over at the screen, mouth agape at what he saw. He jumped up, running up the stairs into the observation room. "Director Vance, you need to hear this," he interrupted. He watched as Gibbs and Vance glanced at one another before walking out of interrogation into observation.

"This better be damn good, McGee," Gibbs said.

"We set up a system to track Vargo's movements- credit cards, bank accounts, ID cards. The system just alerted us. Someone's using Vargo's ID to get into the computer office in Building 3, right next door."

Gibbs' phone rang before anyone could say anything, and he heard Lee's frantic voice cry out, "Gibbs?" As gunshots rang out in the background, he sighed.

"It's Langer," he said, snapping his phone shut. "McGee, you keep an eye on Keating."

McGee nodded, watching as Vance and Gibbs ran out of the room.

*~*~*~*

With Langer dead, the mole problem was finished, thereby ending Vance's need for Ziva and McGee to be away. Both of them returned to Gibbs' team, at their usual desks in the squad room.

Yet something was missing. Or, rather, someone.

As they sat there for the third time since they had come back, they knew exactly who needed to be there. The one who had threatened to throw himself overboard last time they talked to him. And yet, he was still Agent Afloat for the _Seahawk_.

*~*~*~*

"Is he ever coming back?" Abby said, looking at Gibbs.

Gibbs just looked at her.

"You said you'd get him back."

"Still working on that, Abs," he said as his phone rang. "Yeah, Gibbs."

"Agent Gibbs," a tech said. "Agent DiNozzo's online for you in MTAC."

*~*~*~*

"Hey Boss," Tony said softly, the time at sea clearly taking its toll on him. "Got a problem. More like, got a case."

"What's that?" Gibbs replied, trying to settle the churning in his gut. Seeing Tony like this was hard, even on the normally unemotional Gibbs.

"Guy took a nosedive off the fantail. Lieutenant Chad Evans, home address in DC."

Gibbs scribbled down the address Tony gave him. "We'll talk to his wife."

"Thanks. I'll get back to you when I have more details."

*~*~*~*

Gibbs walked into Vance's office, standing before him at the desk. "We got our mole," he said.

"And Agent DiNozzo has a case on the _Seahawk_," Vance replied, looking up from the computer screen.

"After this, he comes back."

Vance put two folders in front of Gibbs. "Look them over."

Gibbs practically glared at him. "I'm not playing this game, Leon."

"I said we would talk about it."

Gibbs glared. "You had no intention of that, did ya, Leon? Just used DiNozzo as a bargaining chip to get me to play your game?"

Vance half-smirked. "Just did what you would do."

"I wouldn't dangle an agent's employment like that."

"Why are you so invested in Agent DiNozzo's placement?"

"He needs to be here, Leon."

"Your boy can't stand on his own?" Vance challenged.

"That's not it at all," Gibbs said darkly.

"I know full well that Agent DiNozzo has suffered hardship this year. He was kidnapped and extensively tortured. Maybe the time away from DC will actually do him some good."

Gibbs glared.

"You pick one, or if you'd like, I will," Vance said.

Gibbs took the folders, walking out of the office without another word.

*~*~*~*

"It's not fair," Abby said, looking at McGee. "You guys got to come back. Why not Tony?"

"I don't know, Abby," McGee replied, typing.

"I mean, it's really, really not fair."

"I know."

"Because one of these days, he really will throw himself overboard."

"He wouldn't."

"Have you seen him lately, McGee?"

McGee stopped typing and looked over at her. "No," he said. "Well, actually, yes, the other day, but I wasn't really looking."

"He's not doing well, McGee," Abby said with a frown.

"He's going to be fine, Abby."

"You don't want him back, do you?"

"Of course I do. It's weird being in the squad room without him."

Abby made a noise, frowning. "He needs to be home, McGee," she said softly.

"Yeah," he agreed. "I know."


	5. Chapter 4

A/N: See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint. :D Enjoy, and please review :D

* * *

Chapter 4: Welcome Back, DiNozzo… Sort Of

Ziva and Gibbs hopped the first flight to Cartagena, Colombia to join Tony in his investigation into the murders of Lieutenant Chad Evans and his wife Lyndi. They caught up with Tony at the Banana Moon bar, finding on the phone with his back to them.

"Well, when do they get here?" Tony asked into his phone.

"Already have," Gibbs replied. He watched with mild amusement as Tony spun around quickly and hung up.

Tony's smile was genuine at seeing the two of them, despite his evident exhaustion. There was something else underneath, something that Gibbs could see but couldn't read yet. And as Ziva and Tony embraced, he could start to see pieces of it.

Tony had lost a lot of weight in the two months, and while food in the mess wasn't that great, he knew that couldn't be the only reason Tony had lost weight. While the smile had been genuine, Gibbs could tell that the man before him was only a ghost of his former self. Ziva and Tony let go of one another, and Gibbs shook Tony's hand firmly.

"Our first stop is the morgue," Tony said, all business. "It's just a little ways down the road."

Gibbs nodded, and the three of them started walking. "Tell me about what you found here," he said softly, still trying to figure out Tony's state of being.

"The Banana Moon," Tony began, gesturing at the place they were leaving, "was where the credit card was used. Talked to the bartender, Hector, and he said some guy used the Lieutenant's card at the bar and paid extra for Hector to look the other way. Hector pointed the guy out to me, and the guy 'willingly' showed me where he found the card. He said he took the card off of the Lieutenant's dead body. About to check with the coroner to confirm that." Tony paused, opening the door. "Body was found slightly buried in an abandoned lot. If there were any witnesses to what happened that night, no one's talking." As they rounded the corner to the morgue, Tony looked over. "Boss, I think we should let Ziva handle this."

Gibbs and Ziva both arched their eyebrows at Tony.

Tony shrugged. "I've got a hunch…"

*~*~*~*

After finding that Tony's hunch had paid off, the trio returned to the _Seahawk_, finding the rest of the evidence they needed. Once they had their man, Gibbs asked Tony to ride the collar home.

The plan was two-fold. Part of it was to let Tony come home and visit with Abby and McGee. The bigger part, though, was to manipulate Vance into letting him stay. And Gibbs had a fairly good sense that it would work.

Two could play that game.

The trip on the COD home was a silent one, mostly because no one wanted to probe into the issues at hand in front of someone new. Especially not a murderer. Once they landed, Tony disappeared to put the guy away while Ziva and Gibbs started on the paperwork. After securing the prisoner and getting his confession, Tony walked into NCIS headquarters, finding Director Vance waiting for him.

"Agent DiNozzo," he said.

"Sir?" Tony replied.

"My office."

"Yes, sir."

*~*~*~*

Tony was leaning against McGee's desk, talking to him and Ziva. Gibbs watched from the railing outside of MTAC, listening down on the conversation. Tony was animatedly delivering a story from his time spent on the _Reagan_, and Gibbs could see the genuine smile on McGee's face. Ziva's was a little more forced, trying to hide her concern.

Vance walked up beside him, and Gibbs said, "Captain wants to know if he's getting his Agent Afloat back."

"Request just hit my desk," Vance said.

"Team needs him, Leon."

"I've already made my decision."

Gibbs nodded, walking down the stairs.

"One more thing," Vance said.

Gibbs stopped.

"It never was a punishment."

Gibbs simply looked up, saying nothing as he finished descending the stairs.

"So, this guy, was running through the mess hall, completely naked, which is weird," Tony was saying as Gibbs walked up. "Hey Boss. Talk to Vance?"

Gibbs nodded, and was about to say something when Abby ran up.

"Tony!" she squealed. "You're back." She hugged him tightly.

"In the flesh," he replied, wrapping his arms around her.

"Like, for real? Like, total reals? Like pinky-promise-permanent reals?"

Tony took her outstretched pinky with his. "Reassigned to DC, effective immediately."

"Woo!" Abby said, twirling and hugging him tighter.

"Vance just told me," Tony said, looking at Gibbs.

Gibbs nodded, saying nothing.

"I never thought I'd say this, but it's great to have you back, Tony," McGee said, shaking Tony's hand.

"Great?" Abby said. "It's awesome. I kept all of your postcards, and I have a whole DiNozzo wall in my lab."

Tony nodded, smiling slightly. Gibbs took a step forward, shaking Tony's hand. The younger man smiled a little wider.

"So, where are you staying tonight?" Abby said.

Tony shrugged.

"You can totally sleep on my couch."

"I appreciate the offer," Tony replied tiredly.

Abby replied with a squeeze. "I've missed you so much, Tony."

"I've missed you too." Tony looked up at the faces of Ziva, McGee, and Gibbs. "All of you."

"Missed you too," McGee admitted.

Gibbs caught Tony's look, and nodded to the side. "Coffee," he said softly.

Tony nodded, and Abby let go as Tony and Gibbs walked away.

*~*~*~*

"I appreciate it," Tony said softly as they sat down in the coffee shop.

Gibbs shrugged. "Bought you coffee before," he said nonchalantly.

"I mean, everything you did to get me back here."

Gibbs took a drink from his cup. "I know what you meant."

They both fell silent, drinking their coffee.

"How ya really been, Tony?" Gibbs asked after a minute.

Tony shrugged, not answering mostly because he didn't know how to answer.

Gibbs said nothing, studying Tony.

"Staying alive," Tony replied finally.

Gibbs stared, and Tony glanced up to catch the look.

"Barely," Tony conceded.

Gibbs nodded, accepting that answer.

"I don't want to talk about it right now," Tony said, his voice hardly above a whisper.

Gibbs nodded again.

Tony took a deep breath, looking at his cup. "I'll be fine."

Gibbs looked at him.

Tony shrugged lightly. "Relatively speaking."

Gibbs nodded.

Tony glanced up again, looking at Gibbs' face. "Should I tell Abby that I don't need her couch?"

Gibbs half-smirked, shrugging. "Something like that," he said finally.

Tony nodded, sighing. "At least until I get a new place."

Gibbs nodded, and both of them drank from their coffees.

"It's good to be home," Tony said softly, rotating his coffee cup in his hand.

"Good to have you back," Gibbs replied honestly.

Tony nodded, drinking. "Why's everyone looking at me funny?" he inquired after a moment had passed.

Gibbs took a drink. "You've changed."

Tony sighed softly. "Ziva looks like she wants to cry every time she sees me."

Gibbs shrugged, saying nothing.

Tony looked across the now-empty street into the darkness of the closed storefronts. "Abby looks at me the same way Ziva does. McGee's got a decent poker face."

Gibbs shrugged again.

Tony turned his head back to look at Gibbs. "So do you."

"What do you want me to say, Tony?" Gibbs asked softly.

Tony looked back down at his cup. "I don't know," he said softly after a moment. "I don't really know anything anymore."

Gibbs said nothing, watching Tony staring at his coffee cup.

"All I know, is that I want this to stop."


	6. Chapter 5

A/N: See the first chapter for the disclaimer. This chapter's a little longer, so I hope you all enjoy it. Please review. :)

* * *

Chapter 5: Unburying Some Secrets

Gibbs sat in his basement, staring at the boat he was building. His eyes were trained on his daughter's name, but his thoughts weren't exactly on her tonight.

They were on the agent crashing on his couch upstairs.

After getting coffee, the two of them headed back to NCIS so that Tony could grab one more thing and talk to Abby. Then they left, heading to Gibbs' house, where they had chatted in the living room until Tony fell asleep on the couch in the middle of a story about a movie.

Gibbs hadn't been paying much attention anyway.

Gibbs didn't bother moving Tony off the couch, choosing instead to take off his agent's shoes and throw a blanket over him. After making sure the younger man was as comfortable as possible on a couch he didn't fit, Gibbs headed down to the basement, where he did most of his thinking.

And that was where he was right now- jar in hand, Bourbon in the bottom.

After having been downstairs for almost an hour, he heard footsteps approach the basement. The door creaked open, and the person descended the stairs.

"You have an interesting new decoration in your living room," Fornell remarked, smirking.

"Yep," Gibbs said, taking a sip from the jar that he mostly used as a glass.

"How long's he here 'til?"

"Until he finds a new place."

"He got reassigned too?"

Gibbs nodded.

"Damn, you're good." Fornell sat down, and Gibbs offered him the bottle. "Hey, I've learned my lesson to stay away from your rotgut." Fornell reached into his coat, pulling out a flask. He took a drink, sighing. "He slept since he left?"

"Dunno," Gibbs replied.

"Won't talk?" Fornell asked.

Gibbs shook his head.

"Huh. He's more like you than I thought."

Gibbs rolled his eyes.

"Well, you know, eventually, he'll talk."

Gibbs shrugged.

"Anything happen while he was afloat?"

"He hasn't mentioned anything," Gibbs said, taking a drink. "Don't know that he would, though."

"Not yet, anyway," Fornell said, taking a drink from his flask. "How much trouble can he get in on a ship?"

Gibbs gave Fornell a look.

"Right. This is DiNozzo we're talking about."

Gibbs grunted softly. "Tobias…"

"I know, I know. The kid's gone through hell." Fornell sighed, taking a drink. "If he needs anything…"

Gibbs half-chuckled. "Yeah, I'm sure he'd like that from the guy who accused him of murder."

Fornell raised one of his hands slightly in defeat. "Just doing my job, Jethro."

"I know."

The two of them fell silent, only one being aware of the presence that had joined them at the top of the stairs.

"She did it, Tobias," Gibbs said quietly.

"Who did what?" Fornell replied, confused.

"Jenny. She was the one that killed La Grenouille."

Fornell arched his eyebrows. "Proof?"

"Marks on the casing you guys found matched marks on a bullet I pulled out of her clip."

Fornell furrowed his brow. "You said she gave Grenouille the gun."

Gibbs shrugged. "She did. He never left her study with it, though."

Fornell sighed. "Where was it?"

"He left it on her desk."

"So, it got to his yacht…"

"Because she brought it there to kill him."

"And Kort?"

Gibbs shrugged again. "A get-out-of-jail free card is better than admitting that you let your arms dealer get killed. He assumes control of the empire, and everyone wins."

Fornell shook his head before narrowing his eyes at Gibbs. "You lied."

Gibbs shook his head. "I didn't lie. I didn't think she'd actually _done_ it."

Fornell took a drink before tilting his head. "Why was she so hot after him?" he asked.

Gibbs exhaled slowly. "Blamed him for her father's death."

"And DiNozzo?"

Gibbs shook his head.

"She used me," Tony said from the stairs, causing Fornell to jump. Gibbs simply glanced upward. "With Gibbs gone, she had the access to me that he normally blocked. She figured if I could get Jeanne to trust me, she'd eventually lead me to where we could find her father."

"Did it work?" Fornell asked.

Tony half-shrugged. "You could say that."

"What would you say?"

"I would say that it was a useless operation that ended up with too many people getting hurt."

Fornell looked over at Gibbs, who was watching Tony.

"But it did lead to Grenouille," Tony said.

"So, it wasn't completely wasted," Fornell said.

"Yeah, except for making me look like an idiot and believe me, I don't need the help."

Fornell took a drink. "What did Jenny tell you about what you were doing?"

"Undercover op. I became Anthony DiNardo, online film professor at American University. My job was to woo the girl and hope that she would introduce me to her father."

"But you fell in love."

"And thank you for, once again, reminding me of that failure," Tony said bitterly.

Gibbs took a drink, looking at Fornell, who was looking at Tony.

"At the time, she told me that La Grenouille was nothing more than an international arms dealer," Tony continued, staring at his hands as he rubbed them together in concentration. "She didn't tell me until much later about why she was so intent on bringing him down."

"But, she did tell you?" Fornell asked as Gibbs looked over to Tony in confusion.

"Sort of. She mentioned something about her father one night, after the mission was over. How he could finally rest in peace."

"And you put together the pieces."

Tony nodded. "And from the way she was talking, I got the feeling that she sealed the deal."

"So, you thought she did it, too," Fornell said.

Tony nodded again.

"And you didn't say anything?"

"By that time, Kort had already given you the card," Tony said. "What was I supposed to do? Crawl over there and tell you that I'm pretty sure the director of NCIS murdered someone in cold blood?"

"Doesn't matter now," Gibbs said.

Tony nodded, sighing.

"I take it this was just something you two had to get off your chests," Fornell said.

"Something like that," Tony said softly.

"Some things can't stay buried forever, DiNozzo."

"Don't I know it," the younger man muttered, glancing down to Gibbs.

A look that didn't go completely unnoticed by Fornell.

"So, I guess Grenouille's murder is solved as well," Fornell said.

"Always had been," Gibbs said. "Kort and the CIA sanctioned it."

Fornell nodded, saying nothing. He stood up, brushing the sawdust off his clothes. "I'd better get going. Gibbs. DiNozzo, welcome home."

"Thanks," Tony said, moving aside to make room for Fornell to walk up the stairs. The older man patted Tony's shoulder as he passed, leaving the two NCIS agents alone in the basement.

Both men stayed exactly where they were, not sure what to say. Gibbs took a drink from his jar before wordlessly offering Tony the bottle. The younger man tiredly accepted, and Gibbs poured him some in another glass jar before walking over and handing it to Tony. Rather than stay on the opposite end of the basement, though, Gibbs sat down on the bottom step, leaning against the cement wall.

"I know how you feel about apologies," Tony started softly.

Gibbs sharply glanced up Tony.

"I need to get this out, though."

Gibbs nodded, turning his gaze to the rest of the basement.

"Jenny swore to me to never tell you anything her and I talked about. But… she's dead now, so I don't really think that privilege still exists."

"That's up to you," Gibbs said softly.

"She died," Tony said. "She died, and she left me with these secrets. And I can't shoulder them anymore."

Gibbs nodded again, taking a drink.

"When you came back, she offered me a team in Rota, Spain."

"You didn't take it," Gibbs observed quietly.

"No, I didn't," Tony replied. "It didn't feel right. I didn't feel like I was ready, like I deserved it. You left, and that was the only reason I had a team in the first place. I screwed up so many times. I didn't deserve a second chance."

Gibbs said nothing, taking a drink from his jar.

"I don't think I can count the number of times Ziva tried to do her own thing or McGee talked back to me. I think it was mostly because you left so abruptly that there was some resentment against me for that. Not that it was a bad thing, but… there were just a lot of emotions at play, ones that we all had to deal with. We thought you weren't going to make it, then that you'd never remember us, and then… well…"

"I left," Gibbs offered.

"Yeah," Tony said, sighing. "It was tough. Jenny was patient, though. Like somehow she knew things would work out, even though it felt like the team was almost at each others' throats. I mean, it wasn't that bad. We never really wanted to kill each other or anything, but it was tough. I'm not exactly the best leader."

Gibbs let that slide for a moment, taking a drink.

"She offered me the job in Rota, but we were already involved in the Grenouille mission, meaning that I was already involved with Jeanne. I couldn't walk away from that. But, I think more than anything, I couldn't walk away from this team. From Ziva, McGee, Abby, Ducky, you… I couldn't leave that behind. Especially when I felt like I hadn't earned it."

"What makes you say that?" Gibbs asked, not letting the comments go anymore as he looked up at Tony.

"I never would've been team leader to begin with, if you hadn't left," Tony said. "I wouldn't have ever been considered for Rota if I hadn't led this team. And I honestly think that I wasn't that great as a team leader."

"You don't give yourself enough credit."

"What makes you say that?"

"I saw you in action, DiNozzo. You were fine."

Tony shrugged, staring at his feet. "Doesn't matter. That was then." Tony took a drink, sighing. "That wasn't the point, though. When I turned the position down, Jenny mentioned that she was proud of me for my decision. Said that she had sacrificed a lot to get where she was, and that every once in a while, she wished that she had taken things a bit slower. She probably wouldn't have been director, but things would be different."

Gibbs shrugged.

"She loved you, Gibbs."

Gibbs swallowed the lump in his throat, staring across the basement.

"She never said it, but I could tell. When you were in the hospital, the way she reacted… she loved you. And I know that when she was talking about sacrifices… she was talking about a chance with you." Tony took a drink. "She knew shortly after the Grenouille mission ended that she'd never get the chance. You were with Colonel Mann, and her time was running out. And even though Colonel Mann retired to Hawaii, she knew that ship had sailed, so to speak. She had her chance, and she blew it. She regretted that."

Gibbs said nothing, swallowing.

"Paris, huh?"

Gibbs took a drink.

Tony shook his head, dropping that thought as he took a drink. "She didn't want me to make her mistake. Of course, I made my own with Jeanne."

Gibbs shrugged.

"I'm sorry. I guess none of this really matters anymore. Jenny's dead, and Jeanne's in another country."

"Matters to you," Gibbs commented.

"Lots of things do," Tony replied. "Doesn't mean I should focus on them."

"You do anyway, though."

"Can't help it." Tony closed his eyes, leaning against the cement wall. "Truth is, Gibbs, I'm tired. Tired of lying, tired of pretending."

"You don't have to lie or pretend here, DiNozzo."

"But I still do. Abby and McGee don't know, Director Vance doesn't know, and any time I'm at work, it's pretending. And telling them isn't an option."

Gibbs took a drink.

"Looks like I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place." Tony shook his head again, exhaling. "Doesn't really matter anymore. I'll just… go to bed, I guess."

"DiNozzo," Gibbs said softly.

"I know, Boss," Tony replied, standing. "And… thanks."

Gibbs nodded, watching Tony ascend the stairs and walk through the door. He finished off his glass, staring at the unfinished boat in his basement and wondering just what Tony had been doing these past two months.


	7. Chapter 6

A/N: Another long-ish chapter. See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you all enjoy this one, and please review. :)

* * *

Chapter 6: All Together Now

The next morning at work was something that had been two months in the making. McGee, Tony, and Ziva, all back in the bullpen. It was a sight that was slightly comforting in its familiarity.

Except for how much had changed.

Ziva was somewhat quiet, thinking about what she had left behind at the Mossad while typing on her computer. McGee was working on a report on his computer for something else. And Tony… well, Tony was a different story entirely.

Gibbs had to admit to himself that he was surprised at how quiet the bullpen was. Last night when they had left, all the newly reunited team did was chat. Yet this morning, it was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

All was not right with the world.

After his conversation last night with Tony, Gibbs knew that the younger man's mindset had deteriorated quite a bit since Jenny's death. The time away from DC had only served to make things worse. Yet, Gibbs was sure that things could only get better from here. They had to. Tony had no choice in the matter.

*~*~*~*

There was still no case to be had by the time lunch rolled around, so Tony, Ducky, Abby, McGee, and Ziva all went to a restaurant down the street on their break. They all ordered, and then the awkward silence fell over the table.

"It's good to have you all back," Ducky began after a moment.

"It's better than good," Abby said. "I've missed all of you so much."

Ziva offered a smile in response.

"It's good to be back," McGee said.

"You never even went anywhere, Probie," Tony commented, taking a sip of his water.

McGee shrugged. "The sub-basement isn't far away, but it was far enough."

Tony shook his head, giving up on the argument.

Ziva glanced over at him, her eyes displaying the worry her features were working to hide. Ducky noticed her concern, but didn't say anything.

"What was it like being away?" Abby asked, interrupting Ziva's thoughts. "Come on, share some stories."

"There is not much to say," Ziva said, shrugging. "I was undercover, hunting a traitor."

"I was in the sub-basement, hunting a traitor," McGee said.

"I was on a ship," Tony said. "Wishing I was anywhere but there with a bunch of people who wanted me gone too."

"Sea life's that bad?"

"You have no idea, Probie."

"No, I don't," McGee agreed as their food arrived.

They quietly started eating before Ziva looked up. "Why did we not invite Gibbs again?" she asked.

"I did," Abby replied. "He told us to have fun."

"Oh."

"Have you guys found apartments yet?" McGee asked, looking at Ziva and Tony.

"When have I had the time?" Tony replied, looking up to McGee, who shrugged.

"I have," Ziva said.

Tony took a small bite of his food. "I'm looking."

"Where are you staying in the mean time?" Ducky asked Tony.

Tony replied with a glance and an upward arch of his eyebrows.

"Oh."

Tony nodded, smiling lightly.

"How's that going?"

Tony slanted his head to the left. "It's as interesting as it always is."

"Is all your stuff still at that storage place?" Abby asked.

"Yep," Tony replied, taking another small bite.

"I'll totally go apartment hunting with you, if you want. It'll be fun."

Tony rolled his eyes sarcastically. "Oh, yeah, I can't wait."

Abby swatted playfully at him as he smirked. "And then you can start paying me back."

Tony laughed lightly while the other three looked confused.

"Paying you back?" McGee asked.

"Yeah," Tony replied. "Abby and I made a bet about six and a half years ago that I haven't exactly paid yet."

"And it has interest," Abby added, smiling.

"Was that the bet about Tony's employment?" Ducky asked.

"Yep."

"I thought you paid her already."

"No, I didn't," Tony said.

"What bet was this?" Ziva asked, amused.

"Tony had been working with us for about two months," Ducky began.

"And we went out one night," Abby said.

"Me and Abby," Tony corrected.

"Yeah. And we made a hundred dollar bet. I won if he was senior field agent within a year, and he won if he had quit within a year."

"And, since I'm still here…"

"And you were senior agent within a year…"

"Funny how you've made more bets since then, ones you've paid off, and you still owe on that one," Ducky commented, biting into his sandwich.

Tony shrugged. "I made senior agent seven months after we made that bet," he said. "By then, we weren't thinking about it."

"Actually, I forgot about it," Abby said, munching on a fry.

"_You_ forgot?" McGee asked, twirling his fork in his spaghetti.

"Yeah."

"I can't believe you forgot a bet."

"A lot had happened in those seven months after we made it," she said, shrugging.

"Our senior agent left the agency," Tony said. "After arguably one of the sickest cases I've ever been involved in."

"I remember that case," Ducky said. "Yes, a young man was murdering his victims by…"

"Ducky, I think that's a story for another time," Tony interrupted, giving the M.E. a slight smile. "It wasn't the sickness of the case, though, that made him leave."

"What was it?" McGee asked.

"No one really knows," Abby said.

"Well, that's not true," Tony said. "Gibbs knows."

"But he never told us."

"Do you guys still talk to him?" McGee asked.

"No," Tony said.

"Not in a long time," Abby said. "Last I heard, he was in Alaska."

"Why Alaska?"

"I don't know."

"When was that?"

"About two years ago."

"Huh."

"Do you still talk to his sister?"

"Sometimes. She last emailed me four months ago."

"You ever reply?"

Tony pushed his food around his plate, clearing his throat. "Just to let her know I was okay."

The group fell silent, nodding and looking at their plates.

"So… what was it like before I got there?" McGee ventured, trying to restart the conversation.

"About the same as after you got there," Tony replied. "Just with one less person."

"You guys used to travel a lot more," Abby commented.

Tony shrugged. "I guess."

"You used to work alone with Gibbs, too," Ducky commented.

"Only when we were between people," Tony replied.

"Which was kinda often," Abby said.

"Well…" Tony began, before realizing that an explanation wasn't really necessary. Ziva and McGee had both been working there long enough to understand.

"How many were there?" Ducky asked, looking at Abby and Tony.

"Well, there was Brad," Abby said.

"He was the senior agent before me," Tony said for the benefit of Ziva and McGee.

"And then there was Ted…"

"God, did Gibbs hate him."

"And Sandra…"

"She transferred after a week. I think that's the office record."

"And Brian…"

"Nice kid. He's in Hawaii now."

"And Viv…"

"Who went back to the FBI."

"And then Kate came in, so that's six."

"How come there were so many?" McGee asked.

"Brad just left one day," Tony replied. "I'll never forget that…"

*~*~*~*

_Flashback:_

_Gibbs walked into the bullpen, finding Tony working at his desk. He stopped in front of the younger man, causing Tony to look up._

"_What's up, Boss?" Tony asked._

"_You're getting a promotion," Gibbs said._

"_What? What about Brad?"_

"_He left. You're senior field agent now."_

_Gibbs walked away, heading up the stairs while Tony stared after him, confused._

_End flashback._

*~*~*~*

"Gibbs never said anything?" McGee asked.

"You ever known Gibbs to talk?" Tony countered. "Man holds your secrets."

"That is true," Ziva commented, looking at Tony as she took a sip of her water.

"Ted, I think he liked playing the politics game too much," Tony said, choosing to only answer Ziva's comment with a look. "He tried to worm into Gibbs' good graces, got under Gibbs' skin. He was trying to use that as a way to become senior field agent."

"Mostly, I think Gibbs didn't trust him," Abby said.

Tony shrugged. "I actually tried to stay out of it."

"For once," the others said simultaneously.

"Yeah, for once," Tony agreed. "Sandra transferred to the legal department after about a week."

"But that actually wasn't you guys," Abby said.

"No, it wasn't. She had found out she was pregnant the same day I took a round in the back in an ambush. Scared her so much that she transferred."

"I still see her every once in a while. She's at the Pentagon."

"Yeah. She likes it there."

"I still talk Brian a lot too."

"Yeah, me too. He left because he got the opportunity to be a senior agent somewhere else."

"And then Viv…"

"I liked Vivienne," Ducky said.

"She was interesting," Tony said. "She left after we took care of bin Atwa, went back to the FBI."

"You're being nice," Abby said. "She left because Gibbs fired her."

"Yeah. She blew the op and almost got us killed by bin Atwa's terrorist group."

"He was also the only reason she joined NCIS in the first place. She wanted revenge for her brother's death."

Tony nodded as the waitress brought their check over.

"I would have shot her," Ziva said.

"Believe me, there were moments Gibbs wanted to," Abby said.

"You didn't see the half of it," Tony said softly, looking at the younger woman.

Abby shrugged. "Maybe not." She pulled her money out to cover her part of the check, and then furrowed her brow. "What's with the history lesson?"

"I don't know," Tony replied, pulling out his wallet. "Seems like the past is coming up more often lately."

"Some secrets can't stay buried forever," Ziva commented, looking at Tony.

"Yeah, I guess," Tony replied. "Of course, some secrets aren't exactly secrets. How's that new girlfriend, Probie?"

"How did you know?" McGee asked.

Tony just grinned.


	8. Chapter 7

A/N: See the first chapter for the disclaimer. Many thanks to my friend, texmex327, for help with the writer's block, as this chapter and the one after it are from the help she gave. :D I hope you guys enjoy it, and please review. :D

* * *

Chapter 7: A Bad Night

With a case bugging Tony and a girlfriend bugging McGee, the two planned on heading out to a bar. The case was another rape case, but this time, the victim somehow survived and would have to rebuild her life. Cases like that made Tony wonder if he could ever be objective again, if these cases would ever not bother him. The case's affect on Tony had made Gibbs have the team work around the clock, which had caused an argument between McGee and his girlfriend. After the long night and the even longer day, the two men just wanted to go out for a drink or two and forget anything happened.

And that was their downfall.

They took a seat on the stools at a table, each ordering a beer. As soon as they had settled, McGee sighed, closing his eyes. The waitress brought over their drinks, and they fell into a quick silence.

"So, things aren't too good with the girlfriend?" Tony asked after a little bit.

"She's not used to our schedule," McGee replied, shrugging.

"How'd you two meet?"

"She moved in with my sister."

"A man after my own heart," Tony half-joked, finishing his first beer. He signaled the waitress for another one, along with tequila.

"She's older than Sarah," McGee commented, half bitterly.

"And how does Sarah feel about you dating her roommate?"

"She hasn't talked to me much since I started dating her roommate."

"She'll get over it, Probie."

"Tony, you don't know Sarah."

"True," Tony conceded, finishing the tequila as McGee finished his first beer. "Maybe she'll just kill you then."

"Not funny," McGee replied, ordering another drink.

"A little funny."

McGee shrugged.

*~*~*~*

Three hours, six combined shots, and eight combined beers later, the two of them were making quite the drunken scene. Mostly because by this point, they had lost all control of their volume level, and were talking and laughing loud enough to be heard three miles away. The bartender, knowing the two drunken agents and who they worked for, called Gibbs to come pick them up.

A task that made the older agent extremely pissed.

"BOSS!" Tony called out as he saw Gibbs walk into the bar. "Pull up a drink, join us in a stool."

McGee giggled. "Dude, you're so wasted," he chortled. "Gibbs sain't here, and you're totally getting your twords wisted… like Zi-vah…"

"You two have had enough," Gibbs growled.

"Uh-oh. McDrinky, I think he's McPissed."

McGee laughed.

"Come on, you two," Gibbs grunted.

"Yes, sir," Tony said, jumping off the stool and trying to stand at attention. The movement almost caused him to meet the floor face-to-face, except that Gibbs caught the younger man.

"Let's go, McGee."

McGee giggled.

"Timothy," Gibbs warned, his voice colder than liquid nitrogen.

"Daddy?" McGee replied, completely confused. "When did you get here?"

"I think he's McPlastered," Tony laughed, looking at Gibbs, who glared heavily at DiNozzo. "I didn't McDo it. Why am I McTalking like this?"

"You're DRUNK!"

"I'm not drunk, you're McDrunk."

"M'not McDrunk. I'm McGee."

"Get over here," Gibbs growled, grabbing McGee's arm roughly and pulling him off the stool.

"Mmm, Chrissy, you know I don't like it that rough," McGee complained.

Tony busted out laughing, collapsing to the floor.

Gibbs grabbed Tony's hair, yanking him up and dragging the two drunken agents out of the bar. "Get in the car, both of you, and shut up," Gibbs growled, practically throwing them in the back seat.

"Ooo," Tony said.

"Daddy snever been this mad at me before," McGee said, turning to Tony with a terrified look on his face.

"I don't think he's gonna kill us, McDeadman."

"You don't know that."

"Both of you, shut up or I'll shoot you," Gibbs said. He knew, though, that the boys would just continue to talk. It was impossible to get drunk people to follow orders.

"PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!" McGee screamed. "I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! SOMEBODY HELP ME!"

"Hey, McScreamer, zip it or I'll throw you out of the car," Tony said.

"I love you, Teddy," McGee replied, wrapping his arms around Tony's waist and snuggling him.

A movement that made Tony extremely uncomfortable.

"Are we there yet?" Tony virtually whimpered, albeit drunkenly.

"Almost," Gibbs replied, picking up on Tony's discomfort.

"Teddy no wikey?" McGee asked, his voice like a child's.

"Not really," Tony replied.

"Why not?"

Gibbs cleared his throat in the front seat.

"Teddy hates me?" McGee asked, eyes wide.

"No," Tony replied. "Teddy's just uncomfortable with men getting this close."

"Aww. S'okay, Teddy. I no bite." McGee snuggled closer as he closed his eyes again, and Tony moaned softly. "Mommy says biting's bad."

"Mommy's very smart," Tony commented.

"Mommy's mad at me," McGee said.

"Since when did Sarah and your girlfriend become Mommy?"

"Teddy, why are you shaking?"

If this were any other time, Gibbs probably would have laughed at the fact that McGee was calling Tony, "Teddy," but given what Tony had been through and how uncomfortable this situation was making him, Gibbs was more concerned.

"I told you, I'm not comfortable with men getting this close," Tony replied, turning his head to stare out the window.

"Why not?" McGee replied, opening his eyes and looking up.

"We're here," Gibbs grunted, slamming the car into park.

"This isn't home."

"Sure it is," Tony said, opening his car door and trying to get out. The only problem was McGee was still holding him, and McGee wasn't going anywhere.

"NO, TEDDY, DON'T LEAVE ME!" McGee cried, causing Tony to wince.

"I'm not going anywhere except inside."

"Come on," Gibbs said, dragging McGee out of the backseat.

"Daddy, that hurts," McGee said.

"Gonna hurt a lot worse if you don't cooperate."

Tony whined, wrapping his arms tightly around himself as Gibbs' statement brought about a flashback.

"C'mon, DiNozzo," Gibbs said gently, noticing Tony's movements.

"I-is it safe?" Tony timidly asked.

"Can you remind me of this moment next time you call me McScaredy Cat?" McGee asked, looking at Tony.

"McGee," Gibbs said sternly. "Get inside."

McGee nodded, heading toward the house but only managing to make it to the front stairs as his face greeted them first. Rather than get up and try again, McGee turned so he was sitting on them and waited.

*~*~*~*

Gibbs walked over to where Tony had sunken onto the grass, holding his knees to his chest. The older man knelt down beside him.

"DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked gently.

"No more," Tony cried, burying his face against his knees. "Please, no more. I can't take any more."

"Tony, it's okay. You're safe."

"Please, please don't do this to me. I can't take anymore. Please stop. Please."

"Tony," Gibbs tried again, before realizing that there wasn't all that much he could do. Tony was deep in the throes of a flashback, and almost nothing Gibbs did or said would get Tony to realize it wasn't real anymore.

"Please, not again," Tony cried. "It hurts, it hurts so much. Please don't let them do this again. I've learned the lesson, Richard. Please, make them stop."

*~*~*~*

McGee watched Tony freak out on the front lawn, confused. He wasn't sure if it was the alcohol talking, but he could swear that Tony was really in pain. And the more he thought about that, the more he realized that Tony wasn't as okay with what happened to him as he always tried to pretend he was.

What McGee didn't know, and wasn't sure that he wanted to know, was what exactly happened.

*~*~*~*

"Tony, you're safe," Gibbs said, putting his hand on the back of Tony's neck. "It's okay. You're safe now."

"B-boss?" Tony asked.

"Yeah. I'm here."

"Boss, make them stop. P-please, make them stop."

"It's just us out here. They're not here. They're dead. They can't hurt you anymore."

"A-are you sure?" Tony asked, his voice swimming with tears as he peeked up.

"I'm sure," Gibbs replied steadily, stroking the back of Tony's neck.

Tony wrapped his arms around Gibbs' neck, a move that he wouldn't have made if he was sober. The older man hugged him back, allowing Tony to cry on his shoulder.

After a little while, Tony pulled back. "M'sorry, Boss," he said softly. "M'sorry about getting McGee drunk, and about freaking out, and that I'm not okay yet."

"Tony," Gibbs started softly, before getting cut off.

"I know, you don't like apologies. Please, please don't hurt me. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I know I'm more trouble than I'm worth. I know that everyone hates me. Please, I'm sorry. I'll try to be better, I promise."

"Tony…"

"I'll do my homework, I'll eat my peas, just please, don't hurt me again."

"Tony," Gibbs said, confused. "Everything's okay. No one's gonna hurt you. You have nothing to be sorry about."

"It's my fault," Tony said, looking at Gibbs with a tired sadness. "It's all my fault."

"What is?"

"Everything. My sister's death, my mother's death, my father's death, me getting raped and tortured, Jenny's death, McGee and I getting drunk tonight. It's all my fault." Tony began to cry again, and Gibbs pulled him in for another hug.

"It's not your fault, Tony," the older man whispered. "None of it's your fault." Gibbs glanced over to where McGee was pretending not to pay attention on the steps, realizing that Tony was going to regret this in the morning. And chances are, McGee was going to too. "C'mon, Tony," Gibbs said softly after a moment. "Let's get you up and inside."

"I don't deserve it," Tony replied tearfully.

"No, you don't deserve what they did to you," Gibbs urged gently. "You need to rest. Come on."

Tony simply nodded, too tired to argue. Gibbs gently helped Tony up off the ground and led both him and McGee inside.


	9. Chapter 8

A/N: A little later in the day this week, but anyway. See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you guys enjoy this one, and please review. :)

* * *

Chapter 8: The Morning After

Tony and McGee were hunched over the breakfast table, both groaning from the intense pain they felt in their heads. All the water Gibbs had pushed down their throats the night before hadn't exactly been enough to combat the alcohol they had consumed.

Although it wasn't just alcohol that kept them from looking at each other.

McGee wasn't sure how Tony was going to treat him after what happened last night. And Tony wasn't sure how to face McGee after what he said last night, especially since he knew the younger man had heard everything. So, both of them kept their foreheads against the table, eyes closed, trying to ignore the day.

Gibbs came into the room, placing a mug of coffee in front of each of them. "Drink," he instructed softly but sternly.

"Mmm…" Tony responded, not picking his head up off the table.

McGee picked his head up, taking a sip from the coffee before coughing.

"You can drink 3 shots and 3 beers, but the coffee makes you sick?" Tony mumbled incoherently.

"What?" McGee asked, standing slowly.

"Never mind."

McGee shrugged, putting sugar and milk into the coffee before sitting down again. "Gibbs…"

"Either of you two ever pull a stunt like that again, I'll break my boot off in your asses," Gibbs said roughly, his anger clear. "You understand me?"

"Yes, Boss," McGee replied, like a scolded child.

"Yes, sir," Tony mumbled into the table.

"I, uh, I think I'm gonna go get some air," McGee said, taking his mug and walking into Gibbs' backyard.

"That was really subtle," Tony muttered softly, not picking his head up.

Gibbs smirked. "He means well," he said.

"Remind me sometime that 4 shots and 5 beers with McGee is a bad idea."

Gibbs cocked his head to the side as the smirk remained. "Oh, I think you learned this lesson."

"Hmm."

"What the hell were you doing?" Even though he was clearly still angry, Gibbs' voice was somewhat gentle.

"Trying to kill myself, apparently," Tony muttered. "Otherwise, I wouldn't have gotten so drunk that you had to pick me up at a bar."

"So, you do remember last night," Gibbs said.

"Unfortunately."

"What the hell were you thinking?"

"Honestly?" Tony asked, finally picking his head up off the table.

"That would be best," Gibbs grunted.

"That I just wanted all of this to go away."

Gibbs stared at him, confused.

Tony didn't continue, choosing instead to put his head down on the table again.

"DiNozzo," Gibbs said softly, finally sitting down next to Tony with his mug of coffee. The younger man said nothing and made no indications of moving, so Gibbs continued, "Did something happen while you were afloat?"

"Like what?" Tony mumbled.

"Anything."

"Kid on the _Reagan_ tried to kill himself, but other than that, no."

"Did you talk to the kid?"

"Not until after the attempt."

"Why'd he do it?"

"Wouldn't say anything more than at least he was getting off the ship."

"That bug you?"

Tony shrugged. "Bugged all of us. I hadn't really been there that long, so I couldn't say anything, but it bugged us."

"How'd he try?" Gibbs probed gently.

"He tried to hang himself," Tony replied, his head still on the table. "His rack-mate came in before he died."

Gibbs nodded.

"Sad part was that two months later to the day was when Lieutenant Evans supposedly went overboard," Tony continued. "Started to think I was cursed."

"You believe in curses?" Gibbs asked.

Tony shrugged. "I don't know. How else do you explain all the bad luck we've had?"

Gibbs didn't respond, drinking from his own coffee mug.

Tony finally looked up again. "You don't believe in coincidences, so what else could it be?" he asked softly.

Gibbs shrugged. "Bad luck," he replied.

"Maybe, maybe not. Either way." Tony shook his head, looking down at the coffee mug that had been placed before him a while ago. He grabbed it, taking a quick drink and smiling to himself that there was sugar in it. "I think I'm gonna go grab some air," Tony said after a moment.

Gibbs nodded, watching as Tony stood up and headed for the back door.

*~*~*~*

Tony found McGee sitting on the back steps, drinking from his coffee slowly. The older agent sat down next to him with a light sigh. "Try talking to Chrissy yet?" Tony asked softly.

McGee looked over. "Not yet," he replied, turning to look out at Gibbs' backyard again. "Figured I'd wait for her to cool down a little."

"Well, I wouldn't let it go too long. You know that can only spell trouble."

McGee shrugged, taking a drink.

"Listen, man, I'm sorry about last night," Tony said, looking down at the steps as he moved the coffee mug in his hands.

"Which part?" McGee replied, looking over.

"Pretty much all of it."

"You don't have anything to be sorry about, DiNozzo. Except, maybe for my hangover."

Tony smiled slightly.

"Can I ask you something, though?" McGee treaded lightly.

"Sure," Tony replied, drinking his coffee.

"When you were kidnapped…"

"Yes, what I said on the front lawn was true," Tony cut in bluntly.

McGee swallowed. "I-I'm sorry, Tony," he stuttered.

"What do you have to be sorry about, Tim?" Tony scoffed.

"That we couldn't find you in time."

Tony shook his head sorrowfully. "Truth is, even if you guys did get there sooner, it wouldn't have made that much of a difference. It happened early and often."

McGee nodded, the lump forming in his throat preventing him from speaking. He swallowed back the tears, hoping to not let them escape. "I'm sorry about the whole 'teddy' thing," he forced, his voice betraying his emotions as he tried to move to a lighter subject.

A ghost of a smile formed on Tony's lips as he took a drink from his coffee. "If things had been different, that actually would've been really funny," the older man replied. "I can still make fun of you for it."

McGee smirked lightly.

"Look," Tony began. "I knew that eventually, you'd all put it together on your own. I was trying for some self-preservation, but I knew that working around investigators, you'd all put the pieces together eventually. Especially since Gibbs and Ducky kept you all in the dark about what really happened."

"Yeah," McGee said softly.

"Granted, I didn't expect to spew it drunkenly in Gibbs' front yard, but I knew you guys would all find out eventually."

"Does Abby know?"

Tony sighed. "She knows pieces," he explained quietly. "She doesn't want to know the whole story, so I'm more than happy to not tell her it."

"Even when it bothers you?" McGee asked.

"That's why I'm sure she knows more than she leads me to believe." Tony took a drink from his coffee. "I'm sure that by now, she's put together the story, but to her credit, she doesn't ask."

"You tell her everything?"

Tony shrugged. "Everything is a relative term."

McGee nodded.

"Put it this way- I tell her about as much as Gibbs, but different things."

"So, Gibbs gets facts, Abby gets emotions?"

Tony tilted his head back and forth. "More or less," he agreed, drinking from his coffee.

McGee nodded again, drinking from his own coffee. "You know…"

"Yeah, I know," Tony cut in, looking at McGee. "Thanks."

"You're welcome," the younger man replied. They both fell silent for a second before McGee said, "So…"

"No different," Tony said. "Except for the 'teddy' part."

McGee smirked. "I can live with that."

Tony smiled, drinking from his coffee. After a moment of silence, he patted McGee on the shoulder and headed back into the house, allowing the younger agent time to digest what he'd just been told.

*~*~*~*

Gibbs was reading from the paper at the table when Tony reentered the kitchen. The older man didn't bother to look up from the article as he heard his agent sit down.

"He took it well," Tony said softly.

"You expected something different?" Gibbs asked, still staring at the paper.

"I don't know. I guess I'm just not used to people not blaming me for everything."

"After at least seven years?"

Tony shrugged, taking a drink from his coffee mug before furrowing his brow. "When did you become my therapist?"

Gibbs dropped the paper enough to level a glare at Tony.

"Right." Tony took a drink, finishing up his mug. "Doesn't matter," Tony said.

"You don't believe that," Gibbs said, reading from the paper again.

"Maybe, maybe not."

Gibbs kept reading.

"Truth is, I don't know what I believe anymore," Tony almost whispered.

Gibbs glanced at Tony around the paper, but the younger man simply finished his coffee and moved to the sink to clean it out. Gibbs furrowed his brow, wondering just what was going on in Tony's head, and how long before he opened up to someone this time.


	10. Chapter 9

A/N: See the first chapter for the disclaimer. Updates may become a little less frequent... kinda getting a lot on my plate at the moment, and there isn't as much time to write. But, I'm trying my best to see that doesn't happen. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and please review. :)

* * *

Chapter 9: Ready for You

Abby put the plates on the table, smirking to herself as she reached for the matches. "You know, this doesn't exactly count," she said.

Tony shrugged from his spot at the stove. "This is more of an apartment warming, thank you dinner," he replied.

"Gibbs helped you move?"

"And McGee."

"I can't get McGee to pick up my clothes from the cleaners," she said, holding the match she just lit in front of her face before placing it to the wick of the candle. "How'd you get him to help you move?"

"That's a long story," Tony replied, glancing over. "It involves a bad day, booze, and Gibbs' house."

"Oh, now you have to tell me."

Tony chuckled. "After dinner."

"No way. With that teaser, you're telling me now." She blew out the match before walking over to the sink. She turned on the water, running it over the match before turning to look at a very confused Tony. "What?"

"You already blew it out."

"But sometimes it doesn't completely go out. I had this one friend, he used a match to light a burner in his lab, blew on the match, and threw it in the trash. A few minutes later, the trash can was on fire."

He shrugged. "Nice story, but something tells me that wasn't entirely truthful," he said.

"Well, I may have been there," she said.

"And…?"

"And… maybe I was the one that put the match in the trash, but either way."

Tony smirked, pulling the bread out of the oven.

"Did I mention that the food smells wonderful?" she asked.

"Only about a dozen times," he replied. "But, always nice to hear."

She smiled. "Can I open the wine?"

"Go for it." He handed her the corkscrew before pulling the boiling pot of pasta off the burner and moving it toward the sink.

"You ever notice how whenever you make me dinner, it's always pasta?" she asked, pouring the wine in the glasses.

He shrugged. "It's my specialty. Besides, whenever you make me dinner, it's always fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, and rice."

"Hey, at least it's a different wine every time."

"And what have we learned?"

"Fried chicken doesn't seem to go too well with Chianti."

"Exactly," Tony said warmly, draining the pasta before rinsing it. He portioned it out on their plates before handing one to Abby, allowing her to put her own amount of Tony's homemade sauce on it.

"You know, I don't think I tell you this enough, but you're a great cook," Abby said, smiling.

"Grazie, Principessa."

"Prego, Principe." She kissed him on the cheek, sitting down at one end of the table while he sat at the other. "Cheers," she said, holding up her glass. He clinked his against hers gently, and both took a sip. "Okay, so you've gotta tell me about how you got McGee to help you move."

Tony shook his head. "Sorry, Abs," he said. "I'm not quite drunk enough for that conversation yet."

"If I ask you to be honest with me…"

"I promise, I will be. I just don't want to get into it until after dinner. Please?"

Abby sighed. "Fine. But only because you almost never say 'please'."

He smiled. "Thanks."

"You're welcome. So, moving onto other topics, how're the boys doing out at sea?"

"Oh, they're alright. One of them emails me every few days."

"They miss you."

Tony shrugged. "Almost wish I could say the same thing about them," he said.

"You miss them," Abby commented.

"Maybe a little."

"If you didn't, you wouldn't bother with their emails."

"I guess that's true. But maybe I'm just a nice guy."

"Well, I think that statement depends on who you ask." Abby wiggled her eyebrows, and Tony shook his head.

"You're so mean to me."

She shrugged, smirking as she took a bite.

*~*~*~*

After dinner and clean up, Abby and Tony retired to his new living room with the bottle of wine. "So, you gonna tell me now?" she asked.

"You're persistent," Tony replied.

"Only when I really want something."

"Okay then." Tony took a drink from his glass before sighing softly. "McGee and I went out one night last week, and we got pretty drunk. Gibbs had to pick us up from the bar, that's how bad it was. And, well, we were drunk, more came out than we intended."

"Is that where 'Teddy' comes from?"

"Yep."

"And McGee feels sorry for you?"

"I think he feels like he needs to help."

"How come?" Abby asked.

"How many times have you been drunk with me?" Tony countered.

"Point taken."

Tony nodded, closing his eyes for a moment. Abby took a drink from her wine, silent. After a little while, Tony said, "Hey Abs?"

"What's up?" she replied.

"If I ask you something, you promise to be truthful?"

"It's only fair."

"How much do you know?"

"Well, I like to think I know a lot, but…"

Tony shot her a light glare.

"That's not what you meant," she said.

"No," he replied.

"You're talking about…"

"Yeah."

"Enough, I guess," she said with a shrug.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I mean, if you're asking me if I, like, _know_, the answer is maybe. It depends. I mean, I know you were tortured. I think I have an idea about what happened."

"So, you know."

"I know enough."

"No, Abby, you _know_."

"What do you think I know?"

He shot her another look.

"Details?" she asked.

He only nodded, closing his eyes again.

"If you're asking if I know what Ducky and Gibbs were hiding, the answer is no. Someone else processed the evidence from the room you were held in. And, honestly, I know it bothers you and I know you're pretty messed up, but… I'm not guessing. I'm curious, but I'm also not sure that I want to know. You're one of the strongest people I know, and if it messed you up this badly… I don't think I want to know. But, if it'll help you to talk about it…"

"I don't think right now's a good time," Tony said, clearing his throat.

Abby nodded. "I'm here for you, Tony," she said softly.

"I know."

"So, be honest with me now."

"Okay."

"When you were away, what did you use as your crutch?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, when you were here, before you left… you talked to Gibbs a lot, you talked to me, you talked to Ziva… but, when you left, we almost never heard from you."

Tony took a drink of his wine, looking down.

"You said you really didn't make friends when you were afloat," Abby continued. "So… what did you lean on?"

Tony swallowed, staying quiet for a moment before sighing. "I'm my parent's son," he said softly.

"What exactly does that mean?" she replied.

"It means that nights like the one with McGee were common, except usually no one else was there."

"I thought you don't drink alone," she practically whispered, his confession shocking and confusing her.

"I normally don't," he replied, just as quiet. "But, there's nothing else to do, or anyone to hang with. I'd just gotten Jenny killed… I wasn't interested in making new friends."

"Tony…"

"It was my fault, Abby. It's still my fault. We should've stopped it, and we didn't."

"You didn't know. You were following orders to stay away."

"We never should have."

Abby bit her lip, frowning. "What is it going to take for you to finally hear me?" she asked.

"I'm sorry?" he replied, confused.

"I tell you to call me if you need anything, you don't. I tell you that it's not your fault, and you don't believe me. Is it something about me, or do you just not listen to anyone who talks against you?"

"I think you've had too much wine."

"Maybe, but tell me, am I wrong?"

Tony let out a deep breath. "No," he admitted softly.

Abby frowned again. "Is there anything I can do to make you hear me?" she asked, worried.

"I don't know. I care about you, and I care about your opinion, but… I guess it's the narcissism talking."

"You're quick to blame that."

"It's a personality disorder. It makes sense."

"No, it doesn't."

"Ducky said…"

"Ducky's not always right, Tony," Abby cut in, putting her hand on his.

"He's not?" Tony replied, giving her a look.

"Not about you."

"Has been so far. Do you know that before I left, he warned me to be careful? I didn't get what he meant until I was so far down. I was quickly becoming my parent's son, the very being I never wanted to become."

"And you didn't try to stop it?"

Tony scoffed. "I didn't even notice until right before Gibbs got me out of there, when Drew asked me if I was alright."

Abby sighed, moving closer to Tony on the couch. She hugged his upper arm, resting her head against his shoulder.

"Ducky was right," Tony said. "And what's worse is that I can't make it go away. I can't stop feeling guilty, and I can't go back in time and change things. So, now I'm stuck in this hole, and I can't get out."

"You're not alone," Abby said softly. "And, anytime you're ready to talk, I'm here for you. I'm not going anywhere."

Tony didn't say anything, choosing instead to wrap his other arm around her and kiss her on the top of her head.


	11. Chapter 10

A/N: See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I'm sorry this is so late, but the site's not working too well for me. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and please review. :)

* * *

Chapter 10: Starry Night

Tony leaned back outside on the grass in front of NCIS, staring up at the starry sky while he lay in the cool of the evening. Gibbs walked over, standing by Tony's head. "I'm not completely losing my mind," Tony said, still staring at the sky.

"I know that," Gibbs said.

"It's just a nice night, and there's nowhere at my apartment that I can do this."

Gibbs just looked down.

"The stars are pretty," Tony said, shrugging.

Gibbs nodded, sitting down next to Tony's shoulders.

"You ever talk about the stars with Kelly?" Tony asked, his voice soft and genuinely inquisitive as he stared at the sky.

Gibbs shrugged, looking at the sky above them.

"Too personal. Right."

Both of them were silent for a moment. "Shannon and I used to tell her that Daddy looked at the same stars she did," Gibbs said softly.

"That's nice," Tony said.

Gibbs tilted his head back and forth.

"Know what my dad used to tell me about the stars?"

"What's that?"

"'There's nothing special about them.'"

Gibbs looked over at Tony.

"Of course, for Cari, they were full of wonder."

"Cari your sister?" Gibbs asked.

Tony nodded. "Carrilynn Abigail DiNozzo."

Gibbs arched his eyebrows. "Abigail?"

"Yeah. I know you don't believe in coincidences, but…"

Gibbs chuckled softly, looking out across the river.

They fell quiet again, and after a moment, Tony said, "You know, I've always been jealous of Cari."

"Why's that?" Gibbs asked.

"She had no pressure, no expectations. If she ended up marrying rich, that would've been just as fine as if she had gone on to be a high powered executive. Me? I was supposed to take over my father's business, marry a beautiful woman and cheat on her as she got older."

Gibbs arched his eyebrows again, looking over.

"Never said my father wasn't a sleaze," Tony said dismissively.

Gibbs shrugged, looking away again.

"Pretty sure my mother knew. She used to work hard to make sure that I wouldn't turn out like him. Which, I like to think she won that battle."

"She did," Gibbs said.

"You didn't meet my dad," Tony said, looking over. "Well, at least not through anything but people's stories at the funeral services. I'm not sure those even did him any justice."

"Goal of those is to honor the life."

"He didn't deserve it."

Gibbs said nothing.

"Well, maybe that's not true. It wasn't all bad."

"No?" Gibbs asked.

"There were a few good moments, I think. Mostly nights that he was away on 'business.' Of course, that usually meant he was off with a new mistress or another hooker. Sometimes, it was legitimate business, but more often than not… I'm still not being fair."

Gibbs half-scoffed, half-shrugging. "That's your right."

"You feel that way about your father?"

Gibbs stiffened slightly, a movement he doubted Tony noticed. "My father wasn't like yours," he said softly.

"Was he a good man?" Tony asked, glancing over.

"Yeah."

"He's not really dead, is he?"

Gibbs looked over, saying nothing.

Tony snorted, looking back up to the sky. "I would ask why would you lie, but I don't think I'd get an answer out of you."

Gibbs turned back to the river. "Haven't talked to him in years," Gibbs admitted after a moment.

Tony nodded, letting a silence fall between them rather than probe the conversation further. After a moment, he turned to Gibbs and said, "You know how people always tell their kids that they can see their loved ones if they look into the stars?"

Gibbs nodded.

"Do you think that's true?"

Gibbs shrugged.

Tony looked back up at the stars. "Mom was big into believing that. Cari too, I guess."

Gibbs said nothing, just looked over toward the entrance of NCIS.

"I always wished things would've been different."

Gibbs looked at Tony.

Tony looked over. "If Cari hadn't been hit… I don't think the family would've fallen apart. Mom had no intention of leaving Dad. Cari would've been a beautiful young woman, I bet. I'm sure I would've been beating the boys back with a stick until I became a cop and could just shoot them."

Gibbs chuckled.

"It wouldn't have been happy or Norman Rockwell by any means, because it was nowhere near that before Cari died. But it would've been a little better. I don't know that military school would've happened. I just know that Mom probably never would've committed suicide. Dad would've still resented me for not doing what he wanted, but he wouldn't have hated me as much as he did." Tony shook his head, looking to the sky again. "Seven years later, and I still get bothered by the fact that he hated me until the day he died."

Gibbs shrugged. "You don't like leaving things," he said.

"What do you mean by that?" Tony replied, looking over.

"You don't like unresolved issues."

Tony shrugged, looking up again. "Seems like that's all I got, unresolved issues. Issues I can't resolve."

Gibbs cleared his throat softly.

"You'd think by now I'd be used to that idea. I can solve everyone else's problems, but for some reason, I can't ever fix my own."

Gibbs looked down at the grass. "Yours are usually a little more complicated," he said softly.

Tony shrugged again. "Shouldn't matter," he whispered.

"On the contrary, it matters a lot," Ducky said as he walked up. "It's easy to help people out with the more simple of life's problems."

"Anyone ever tell you that sometimes, you sound like a fortune cookie?"

Ducky laughed gently. "Why are you two sitting on the front lawn?"

"It's a nice night. You can see all the stars."

Gibbs simply gave Ducky a look.

"I see," Ducky said.

"We were just talking about families and stuff," Tony said. "Speaking of which, how's your mom doing?"

"Quite well, actually. Thank you for asking."

"That's good to hear." Tony smiled genuinely, looking away from Ducky and back to the night sky.

Ducky looked over at Gibbs, who shook his head. "Anthony," Ducky started. "Is everything alright?"

Tony shrugged. "Everything's going," he offered.

"That… isn't the same thing."

"What do you wanna know, Ducky? Am I sleeping well? No. Am I eating? Sometimes, but that's mostly because I'm not very hungry. Am I drinking? Not as much as I used to. Do I still blame myself? Yes."

Ducky shifted uncomfortably, swallowing a lump in his throat. "Is there…"

"Anything you can do?" Tony sighed softly, moving slightly in the grass. "I wish."

Ducky frowned, looking down at the grass.

"I wish there was something someone could do," Tony said. "But, it's like you said," Tony gestured at Gibbs. "It's complicated."

"I imagine it is," Ducky replied quietly. "You'll let us know if we can do something, right?"

"Promise." Tony sat up, bringing his knees halfway into his torso and resting his arms on top of them comfortably. "Right now, though, I think it's time to go home and try to get some rest."

"Sounds like a good idea."

Tony nodded, getting up slowly. "Night, Boss, Ducky."

"Good night, Anthony."

"Night," Gibbs said quietly, watching as Tony walked off toward the parking lot. Ducky remained standing as Gibbs finally got up off the grass.

"Is he better or worse than you thought?" Ducky asked, looking to Gibbs.

"Depends," Gibbs replied.

"On what?"

"The day."


	12. Chapter 11

A/N: Okay, here we go for this week. :) See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you enjoy, and please review! :D

* * *

Chapter 11: An Evening Picnic… Of Sorts

One phone call and two hours later, Tony was sitting in the middle of Rock Creek Park, looking at the darkness. He heard footsteps behind him, feeling his hyper-vigilance kick in as he reached for his weapon.

"Black Lung brought the juice," the voice belonging to the footsteps said.

Tony relaxed, leaning back on the bench as Palmer sat down next to him and handed him a steaming cup.

"Thought you could use a night out," Palmer said, sipping his drink.

"It's one in the morning," Tony replied.

"You were already awake."

Tony said nothing, looking out across the park.

"Still having nightmares?"

Tony looked at Palmer.

"It's understandable. Believe me."

"How is it that you know so much about this stuff?" Tony asked.

"I could say it's an educated guess," Palmer started, sipping his drink as he looked through the darkness. "But, more than that- I grew up with two parents who were psychiatrists. My mother was a consultant to the police as a profiler. I got really good at reading people, and knowing situations."

Tony nodded, saying nothing.

"So," Palmer started, looking over at Tony.

"You called this meeting, not me," Tony replied.

"Are the nightmares better or worse than before?"

"Before when? Before I left, or before I got back?"

"Both."

"Worse than before I left," Tony admitted with a sigh. "But, they've been getting better since I came back here."

"That's good. Did you go back to seeing Dr. Jansen?"

Tony nodded silently.

"What has she had to say?"

"That I'm making progress."

"From when you left, or from when you came back?"

"When I came back. I was better than this before I left."

"I imagine Director Shepard's murder didn't help."

"Not so much," Tony breathed, finally taking a drink of the beverage Palmer had brought him. To Tony's surprise, it was hot chocolate, not coffee like he had expected.

"Have you tried talking to Gibbs about it?" Palmer asked.

"About what? Jenny's death, or everything else?"

"Both."

"Gibbs has always known about everything else. As for Jenny's death… it's hard. They were close, you know?"

Palmer nodded.

"I just… I don't prefer to talk to him about it," Tony said, taking another sip from the cup in his hands.

"Have you talked to anyone about it?" Palmer asked.

"Not really."

"Talking about it doesn't make it your fault."

"But, it was my fault."

"Just like it was Ziva's?"

"Ziva wanted to tail her."

"But she didn't. Tony, Ziva could've gone off without you and tailed Director Shepard, and she didn't. If you're so much to blame, then why isn't she?"

"Because… she wanted to tail her. I didn't."

"That doesn't make it your fault."

"When you're out in the field, you gotta trust the people around you to have your back. Jenny…"

"Asked you both not to be there," Palmer cut in. "Look, I miss Director Shepard, and I have a lot of respect for her, but her death is no one's fault but those hit men and her own."

"How do you figure?" Tony snapped.

"She didn't trust you to back her up, now did she? She asked you and Ziva to stay away."

"If we had been there, there's a good chance we wouldn't have walked out of there. Jenny was trying to protect us as much as she was trying to end this before Gibbs got hurt or killed. She wanted it to end outside the agency, which is why she brought along Franks. She was trying to protect us."

"Exactly. Her main concern was protecting her agents and her agency from this big of a scandal. That's why she didn't want you guys there."

"We should've gone anyway!" Tony screamed, jumping up off the bench.

"And where would that have gotten you?" Palmer asked calmly, remaining seated as Tony started pacing back and forth in front of the bench.

"She probably wouldn't have died."

"You don't know that for sure."

"She wouldn't have been alone."

"She had Agent Franks. She wasn't alone."

"She should've had us!"

Palmer sighed quietly, closing his eyes briefly due to the late hour more than his growing annoyance with a particularly stubborn DiNozzo.

"But she didn't. She went in there, and she died, and we failed. We let her get killed."

"Could you have prevented that even if you had been there?"

"Maybe."

"But, maybe not."

"It doesn't matter!" Tony snapped again. "We had one job in LA- Protect Director Shepard. And she died."

"She ordered you to leave her alone," Palmer said. "Your job was to also listen to what she told you to do."

"Our obedience got her killed."

"Tony, did your obedience hire those people to shoot her?"

Tony rolled his eyes. "You're not listening to me," he said.

"I'm learning a lot from you," Palmer replied, his voice steady and calm.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"That you haven't been listening to a word anyone has said since you came back from LA. How many times have we all told you this wasn't your fault? Director Shepard's death was not a result of your actions? And yet, you still believe otherwise."

"What the hell am I supposed to think? I didn't do my damn job, and Jenny got killed."

"She ordered you to stay away," Palmer said, his voice betraying the crumbling wall between his calm and his annoyance.

"Since when do I follow orders like that?" Tony countered, still pacing.

"Since she threw you into a dangerous undercover operation without giving you the complete story. You know better than anyone what her private wars could be like, what they could do. You knew it was better for you and Ziva to stay away."

Tony stopped pacing, standing a few inches in front of Palmer. He looked down at his feet as he whispered, "I knew this would get her killed."

"How?" Palmer asked softly.

"Gut feeling. I knew this was going to happen. I mean, I didn't know it'd be LA, not until Sasha Gordon was dead. But… I knew her private wars would get her killed."

"Did you ever talk to her about it?"

Tony shook his head. "She didn't care."

"If she was so carefree about that, why do you still think you could've saved her?"

"Because she didn't have to die like that."

"Tony, did Director Shepard ever tell you she was sick?" Palmer asked, shifting on the bench.

"No," Tony breathed out, taking a drink from his cup.

"She was already dying. Rapid disintegration of muscle control, extreme pain… it would've been devastating to watch, even more horrible to go through."

"She never said a word."

"Her dying in a firefight was the more merciful way to go. She knew something was off at the funeral. She knew Decker's death wasn't as natural as they had thought. She knew this had to end, and that a lot of innocent people could get hurt or killed in the cross fire. She couldn't risk that. She didn't have much time left, and she knew that. If she died while protecting people…"

Tony nodded, swallowing back the lump in his throat before licking his lips.

"I don't think she'd want you to beat yourself up like this," Palmer continued softly.

"Too late," Tony replied, almost inaudibly.

"It's not too late to stop, to turn things around."

Tony shook his head.

"It's never too late. You, of all people, know that it's not over."

Tony snorted softly, nodding slightly.

"You need to forgive yourself," Palmer said finally, standing and putting his hand on Tony's bicep.

"How?" Tony asked, his eyes meeting Palmer's.

"However you can. This isn't going to get any better until you forgive yourself. And that starts with finally admitting that you had no control."

Tony nodded, before furrowing his brow. "Just how much do you know?" he asked quietly.

Palmer patted Tony's arm gently. "Go home, get some sleep," the younger man advised, turning and walking away, leaving Tony to stare in his wake.


	13. Chapter 12

A/N: I apologize for not updating last week... I've been kinda busy and the muse for this story is kinda hiding on me. See the first chapter for the disclaimer. This chapter takes place during the end of Heartland, which will make more sense as you read it. I hope you guys enjoy, and please review. :D

* * *

Chapter 12: Swirling Emotions in Stillwater

After the arrest of the miners and Nick Kingston, Gibbs and his team went back to Jack's house, walking in. "Everything go okay?" Jack asked from his perch on the couch.

"Just fine," Gibbs replied. He put his jacket on the chair before sitting down. "Ed's holding those boys for us."

"People certainly are surprising. Can I fix you all somethin' to eat?"

"I'll help," Abby volunteered, following Jack into the kitchen. McGee and Ziva sat down with Gibbs as Tony excused himself and slipped outside under the ever-watchful eye of his team leader.

*~*~*~*

Gibbs wandered into the kitchen, causing both Jack and Abby to look over. She smiled, wiping her hands on a dish towel. "I'm going to ask McGee and Ziva if they like mushrooms," she said, walking out. Jack and Gibbs smiled slightly as she walked away before turning to each other.

"That was subtle," Jack commented lightly, stirring the pot on the stove.

Gibbs smirked.

"Your boy there… DiNozzo."

"What about him?" Gibbs asked softly.

"He okay?"

Gibbs shrugged. "Workin' on it."

"So, that's a no."

Gibbs looked over at his father as the son started slicing carrots for the salad.

"How bad is it?" Jack asked, turning back to the chicken in the oven.

"Not my story to tell," Gibbs replied, putting the carrots into the salad.

Jack nodded, closing the oven door.

*~*~*~*

Tony sniffled in the dark, the cold air causing his nose to run. He was sitting on the back porch, feeling the wind blow the coolness of the late October night around him. He heard footsteps behind him, and he knew who they were, if by no other way than process of elimination. Jack sighed heavily as he sat down next to Tony.

"Cold night," Jack said softly. "Figured I'd bring you a sweater."

"Thanks," Tony said softly, taking the sweater. He held it in his hands, playing with it slightly.

"Works better if you put it on."

"Yeah," Tony breathed out.

"Got a lot on your mind, son?" Jack asked.

"Somethin' like that."

"Want to talk about it?"

"Everyone keeps asking me that. But, I'm okay. Thanks."

"No problem." Jack looked out across his darkened backyard, sighing softly. "Been a long time since Leroy's been here," Jack divulged.

"How long?" Tony asked, looking over.

"32 years. The Bicentennial. He left that summer for boot camp, hasn't been back since."

"How old was he?"

"18 at the time. Met Shannon on his way out of town. She was a pretty girl."

"Redhead?"

"Yeah. Shannon came that summer for a visit. Her aunt lived in town, so she came every few years to visit her. She worked in the dress shop down the street."

Tony nodded, saying nothing as he looked back across the yard.

"Shannon was heading back toward her mother's when Leroy was heading off to the Marines," Jack continued. "They were in love. Had a beautiful child."

"Kelly," Tony said softly.

Jack arched his eyebrows. "I'm surprised Leroy talks about her."

Tony shook his head. "He doesn't. Or, at least, he hadn't until last year. Mentioned her a few times in passing, few conversations here and there."

"Such a shame."

"It is."

"You have kids, Tony?"

"Not that I know of," Tony said, shrugging.

"Oh," Jack said softly, nodding.

"I mean, no one's called to say that I have a kid, so…"

"She would?"

"Most of them would. They may not love me, but they don't all hate me… I think. I don't know. I'm not that great with women."

Jack chuckled lightly. "None of us are, son."

Tony tilted his head side to side, arching his eyebrows slightly.

"I imagine, though, that ex-girlfriends aren't all that's on your mind these days," Jack postulated lightly.

"Actually, they're pretty far from my mind," Tony said softly.

"So, what's in there?"

"I've… just had a lot of stuff happen lately," Tony found himself confessing. He knew it was strange, but he felt comfortable talking to Jack. It was like talking to a more emotional version of Gibbs.

"What kind of stuff?"

"Heavy stuff. Secrets."

"Ahh. You tell anyone these secrets?"

"Your son knows some of them. Few others know pieces."

Jack nodded, pursing his lips in thought.

"I have a therapist," Tony added. "Don't worry."

"I won't," Jack said, quirking a corner of his mouth upward.

"Good." Tony grinned. "So, what was Gibbs like as a kid?"

"DiNozzo," Gibbs said as he walked outside.

"I'm gonna go check on dinner," Jack said, getting up off the step. He patted Tony on the shoulder. "Hang in there, son," he said to Tony before patting Gibbs on the shoulder and walking back into the house.

Gibbs sighed, sitting down on the step in the spot vacated by his father. He gestured at the sweater still in Tony's hands. "Works better when ya wear it," he said.

"Funny, Jack said the same thing," Tony replied, looking at the sweater.

"Hmm."

Tony yawned, finally putting the sweater on but keeping his gaze downward.

"Tired?" Gibbs asked.

Tony shrugged. "Long few days."

"Still not sleeping?"

"I really don't feel like talking about this anymore. Feels like everyone keeps asking me about it, my health, my well-being… I just… I don't feel like talking about it anymore."

Gibbs nodded, saying nothing.

"I can't get things together. I know I'm a mess. But… I don't want to keep dwelling on it. I don't want others to keep dwelling on it."

"No one's dwelling," Gibbs said softly.

"I am. And I can't make it stop. I can't make anything stop. I can do my job. I'm pretty sure I haven't given you a reason to think otherwise. And yeah, I'm not sleeping well or eating much. I know I'm a mess. But… I don't know anymore."

Gibbs nodded.

"If I had my way?" Tony began, looking over to Gibbs. "It'd all be over. It never would've happened. None of this would. But, I know that can't happen. I know things like this are supposed to make a person stronger but… I don't know. I don't think I can do this anymore."

"What do you mean when you say that?"

Tony shrugged, looking across the yard.

"Does Sydney know?" Gibbs asked softly.

"Probably," Tony replied. "Not 'cuz I actually told her, but I think she's picked up on it. She won't react until I've said the words."

Gibbs nodded again.

"Just like you won't say anything until I do. But, in all honesty, Gibbs? I've had a gun for a while, even when I was at my lowest point. If I didn't put it in my mouth and pulled the trigger then, I'm not about to do it now."

"That's good to know," Gibbs said, clearing his throat.

"I want the pain to stop. I want things to go away. But, suicide's the easy way out. I'm not my mom."

Gibbs didn't react, looking out across the yard.

"And I don't want to be my mom. I just… I have to wonder, will this ever end?"

Gibbs swallowed, saying nothing. Not because that was the norm for him, but because for once, he didn't have an answer to Tony's question. But, his fear was that the answer to that question was no.

"Hey guys," Abby said, poking her head outside. "Dinner's ready."

"Be right there, Abs," Gibbs said, looking over at her.

She smiled, pulling her head back in.

Gibbs turned back to Tony, finding the younger man looking down at his clasped hands.

"We should get inside," Tony said softly, standing up from his perch.

Gibbs nodded, following suit. He was starting to get used to Tony's easy dismissal of heavy conversations when they were interrupted. He kept watching Tony until the younger man finally turned to him.

"We can talk more in DC," Tony said softly.

Gibbs nodded, gesturing for Tony to walk inside before following suit.


	14. Chapter 13

A/N: See the first chapter for the disclaimer. There is a tiny little crossover with CSI here, mentioned in passing. The relationship is developed more in my one-shot, Bones. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and please review. :D

* * *

Chapter 13: Paying it Back

The waitress seated them, and Tony handed Abby a menu. The younger woman thanked him quietly. "So, I can order anything?" she asked.

"Yep," Tony replied.

"Good. Because, I'm really hungry."

Tony chuckled.

They ordered drinks first, before ordering dinner and an appetizer. With drinks in hand, Abby turned to Tony. "So, did you and Jack have a good talk last night?" she asked.

"Uh, an interesting one," Tony replied. "He's pretty easy to talk to."

"Yeah. He kind of reminds me of you and Gibbs."

"Well, Gibbs is a given, but me?"

"Yeah. He's kind of a flirt, and he's easy to talk to. Caring. Dedicated."

"Yeah, I guess."

"You saying you're not caring or dedicated?" Abby asked, taking a drink.

"I'm saying that I don't really see myself similar to the Gibbses," Tony replied, shrugging.

"Didn't Ducky tell you that before? When they were chasing Boone?"

"I know Ducky's usually right, but… even that's far-fetched for me."

"Actually, I'm pretty sure Ducky's right on that one. Well, in some aspects. He wasn't a womanizer or anything."

"Thanks, Abby," Tony deadpanned, taking a drink.

"I'm not saying you are or were. I'm just saying…"

"No, it's okay. I'm a commitment-phobe."

Abby shrugged as the waitress delivered the appetizer. "I think that's more your upbringing than anything," she said, picking up a mozzarella stick.

"Why does everyone always psychoanalyze me?" Tony asked, taking a drink.

"Because you look like crap, and we care. A lot."

"Thanks… I think."

Abby put her hand on top of Tony's, squeezing his fingers gently. "Do you ever think that you're a good person?"

"I'm narcissistic. Of course I do."

She swatted at him. "I mean it."

"I know."

"I mean, I know it's hard for you to think that you're a good person when all this bad stuff keeps happening to you…"

Tony cleared his throat.

"But, you're a good person," she said.

"So I've been told," he replied. "I'm working on believing it."

"When was the last time you talked to Gibbs?"

"We talked a little bit last night. I'm supposed to drop by after dinner."

"Are you going to?"

"Do you think Gibbs would let me get away with it if I didn't?" Tony asked, smirking.

"Probably not," Abby said. "How are your heart-to-hearts going with the Boss-man, anyway?"

"Haven't had that many since I came back. Seems like everyone wants a piece of me these days, you know? Not that I mind, but…"

"It's a lot?"

Tony half-nodded, half-shrugging as their entrees arrived. "I'm just not used to it, I guess," he said, picking at his dinner.

"We all care about you," Abby said, taking a bite of her dinner. "We just want to help."

"I know."

"You're not beyond that point, Tony. You can be helped. It just might take some time."

"I know," he breathed.

*~*~*~*

Gibbs was downstairs working on the boat as Tony walked in later that night. The younger agent made his way into the basement, sitting on the stairs. "Gonna be evasive tonight?" Gibbs asked.

"Maybe," Tony jokingly evaded, smirking.

Gibbs smirked, still working.

"You gonna ask direct questions?"

"What happened when you left?"

"I lost everything."

"What does that mean?"

"My mind, my sanity, and any piece of a life I used to have. It was like being thrown into hell with no end in sight. Easy to lose faith. Even easier for me to believe that Vance just sent me away so he didn't have to deal with me- a problem ridden agent who failed a simple protection detail." Tony shrugged, wishing he had something to help him get through the awkwardness of the moment as he stood up and got off the stairs.

"You coulda called, DiNozzo," Gibbs countered, still working on the boat.

"When? We were in different time zones, Gibbs. It's hard enough to talk to you when we're face-to-face."

Gibbs arched his eyebrows, more at Tony's honesty.

"What was I supposed to do? Call you and tell you every time I had a nightmare?" Tony started pacing back and forth by the stairs as the conversation started to agitate him more. "Because we'd be on the phone every damn day. You really wanna listen to me bitch and cry?"

"If it'd help you, yeah."

"Well, it's not helping."

"What is?" Gibbs asked bluntly.

"Nothing," Tony grunted. "That's the problem."

"You been drinkin' tonight, DiNozzo?"

"Yeah. Soda." Tony shook his head as he continued to pace back and forth. "I'm trying so hard not to be like him."

"Like who?" Gibbs asked.

Tony looked down to his feet, saying nothing.

"Like your father?"

"He killed my mother."

Gibbs furrowed his brow, giving up on the boat to turn his attention to Tony.

"I mean, it was definitely suicide, but my father pushed her to it. He wasn't enough support for her."

"For you either," Gibbs said.

"This isn't about me," Tony said.

"Always has been about you, in some capacity."

"Yeah. I let my little sister get killed, which drove my parents insane, which led to them drinking even more and my father eventually pushing my mother to killing herself. I'm real friggen great, aren't I?"

"That wasn't what I was saying, and you know it."

"Are you saying that I always have to make things about me?"

"You telling me you don't?"

Tony sighed, saying nothing as he finally stopped pacing.

"You always do this to yourself," Gibbs continued.

"What the hell am I supposed to think?" Tony shot back. "I'm the only one left in my family, each one of them meeting their demise far too soon. I'm the common denominator. And how in the hell can you not blame me for Jenny's death too?"

"Because it's not your fault. Never was."

"You really think that it's hers?"

"No. I think it was the four men who killed her in the diner. The guys she killed. They were at fault."

"And if Ziva and I were there…"

"One or both of you could've died right along with her."

"Maybe that would've been better," Tony sighed, sitting on the floor.

"You think that you dying with Jenny would've been better?" Gibbs shot back, trying to keep his anger in check and failing slightly.

"Maybe."

Gibbs shrugged, walking toward where Tony had sat down. "You've convinced me. You got the gun. Go for it."

Tony groaned, pulling his knees toward his chest. "I told you in Stillwater, I'm not suicidal."

"Really? Could've fooled me."

Tony looked up at him.

"You've been trying to kill yourself since you left."

"Have not," Tony attempted feebly.

"You'd rather sit in your own pain than talk to the people who want to help," Gibbs began. "You drink so much each night that you hope you won't wake up in the morning, but you do. You don't sleep, you don't eat, and that's not because you're sick. Your shipmates noticed, DiNozzo. Vance kept close tabs on you for a reason."

Tony flinched, closing his eyes.

"You always use your mind to harm yourself more than weapons."

"Enough," Tony whispered, hugging his knees closer to him. "Please, just stop."

Gibbs crouched in front of him.

"You're right… mostly. I mean, it wasn't every night."

Gibbs watched with sad eyes as Tony hugged himself tighter.

"I can't help it. They say you start to adapt your coping skills from your parents, right? Well, my parents used the bottle. My mom also used drugs. No one talked about it, no one did anything about it. It was what it was, and you said nothing. I don't know how to _not_ do that. And, I don't want to do that, to be like them. But I don't know what I need to do, and I don't know how to let people help me. I don't know how to talk to people. And no one but Abby was trying to talk to me… even you wouldn't have bothered if Abby didn't make you."

Gibbs swallowed the lump that formed in his throat at Tony's accusation.

"I felt like we were all shoved off in our own corners," Tony continued sadly. "We weren't a family anymore. And… this is the closest thing to home I've ever had. And I felt like that had been ripped away from me. And I couldn't handle it. I think if it wasn't for the fact that I was the only cop and had to be ready at a moment's notice, it probably would have been every night, but I wanted to do a good job. I kept hoping that if I did well… I'd come home. The punishment would be over."

Gibbs was going to kill Vance if it was the last thing he did.

"But it's never over, is it?" Tony asked, finally looking at Gibbs. "It's never going to be over. Sure, the deployment's done and we're back together, but everything else is never going to end. It's always going to be there, stuck in my memory, and it's never going to go away."

Gibbs broke Tony's eye contact, not wanting to admit how right the younger man was.

"I can learn to live with it, but I'm not sure I want to. Look at all we've been through in the past few years. Kate was murdered. Jenny was murdered. You were blown up. I was tortured. Ziva actually doubted herself. Abby almost died… twice. Even Palmer almost died. And let's not forget that Paula died trying to save us. How can you still be convinced that there's something here that's worth it?"

"How can you be convinced there's not?" Gibbs asked softly, looking at Tony.

"There's so much evil out there," Tony replied.

"There's good too."

"Yeah, like what? Love? Because last time I checked, that one bit me hard, and it hasn't been so good to you either. Besides, she was an op, and I wasn't supposed to fall in love. And I messed that up like I mess everything else up."

Gibbs closed his eyes, trying to gain some patience.

"And friends… well, anyone who gets close to me dies. Kate, Paula, Jenny, Ryan… they're all dead. Even Mike's dead."

Gibbs furrowed his brow. "Who's Mike?" he asked softly.

"Michael Keppler. He was a former partner and good friend of mine in Philly… died a year and a half ago in a shootout in Vegas."

Gibbs nodded. "You never mentioned it."

Tony half-snorted. "I did. You just weren't listening."

Gibbs furrowed his brow again, trying to recall when Tony mentioned it to him.

*~*~*~*

_Flashback:_

_Tony walked into the bullpen with his head down, quieter than usual. Not that he had been very forthcoming lately- he was still hiding the assignment that Gibbs learned about much too late. Noticing the altered demeanor of his senior agent, Gibbs walked over to Tony's desk, where the younger man had his head down._

"_DiNozzo," he said softly._

"'_M just tired, Boss," Tony half-heartedly answered, not looking up._

_Gibbs didn't say anything, but also didn't move._

"_We have a case?"_

"_No."_

"_Then why won't you leave me alone?"_

"_What's wrong?"_

_Tony looked at Gibbs with bloodshot, tired eyes that were asking the older man to leave it alone while also searching for an answer. Problem was, Gibbs didn't know what the question was._

"_I'm fine," the younger man attempted._

_Gibbs just looked at him._

"_I got a phone call last night."_

"_From who?" Gibbs asked._

"_Greg Sanders," Tony replied._

"_Who's that?"_

"_Someone who lost the coin toss, apparently. He was notifying the next-of-kin of the death."_

"_Who's?"_

"_Michael Keppler, my old partner in Philly. He just transferred out there a month ago. Guess he kept me as his next-of-kin."_

_Gibbs nodded._

"_I'm fine," Tony insisted._

_Gibbs simply looked at him._

_End flashback_

*~*~*~*

"Not everyone who gets close to you dies," Gibbs said, snapping himself out of the memory and the fact that he forgot.

"No," Tony agreed. "Sometimes, it's worse. People would be better off not knowing me."

"And the people you've saved?"

Tony shrugged.

"You think Danica would be better off not knowing you?"

*~*~*~*

_Flashback:_

_Tony cocked his gun outside the apartment door, preparing himself for the worst. "Philadelphia Police," he called out. He waited a moment, getting a quick nod from Mike before kicking open the door. Instantly, the group with him scattered throughout the apartment. Tony made his way toward the back bedroom, finding it locked. "Police," he called again. He forced the door open._

_A young girl, no more than six, was curled up in the corner. Her hands and feet were bound, and her mouth gagged. Tony secured his weapon before making his way over to the frightened girl._

"_Danica?" he asked softly. At the little girl's nod, he continued. "Danica, my name is Tony. I'm gonna get you out of here, okay?"_

_She nodded again, and Tony untied her. She quickly reached out and hugged him._

"_It's okay, sweetie. You're okay. You're safe now."_

_End flashback_

*~*~*~*

"She still calls you to update you on her life," Gibbs continued, bringing Tony out of his thoughts. "You saved her life."

"Someone else would've had that case, and they would've found her too," Tony countered. "Mike could've found her just as easily without me."

"What about Kyle?"

*~*~*~*

_Flashback:_

_Tony left the coffee shop, taking a sip of his sweetened tea as he walked back to his patrol car. This had to be the easiest assignment ever- the quiet suburbs of Peoria, Illinois. Almost nothing ever happened here._

_Except for the kid about to get killed on the corner._

_Tony ran over to the situation, dropping his tea in favor of his gun. "Police!" he called out. The two suspects bailed, leaving the kid beaten on the ground. Tony radioed it in, calling for backup and an ambulance as he knelt down next to the kid._

"_You okay?" he asked._

_The kid managed a nod._

"_What's your name, buddy?"_

"_Kyle," the kid choked out, blood coming down his chin._

"_Kyle, I'm Tony. Stay with me, okay?"_

_Kyle nodded again as Tony began to put pressure on Kyle's bleeding wounds while waiting for the world to arrive._

_End flashback_

*~*~*~*

"There were other people," Tony said. "They would've helped him."

Gibbs shot him a look.

"Okay, I'll give you that one," Tony conceded. "But there have been others we failed to save."

"There always will be. It's our job to save the ones we can."

Tony sighed.

"And you do that job better than most."

Tony shrugged. "Maybe," he said softly.

"I told you before, Tony. You're irreplaceable."

"Wasn't sure I could believe that. McGee _was_ sitting at my desk."

Gibbs smirked lightly at the memory before saying, "You ever know me to tell you something that wasn't true?"

"Besides the claiming you only had three wives when you really had four?" Tony countered.

Gibbs shrugged.

"No."

Gibbs looked at him.

"Okay, fine, you proved your point." Tony closed his eyes, sighing softly. "I'm sorry."

"Tony," Gibbs started.

"Right. Apologies."

"Don't give up."

Tony opened his eyes, looking over at Gibbs with confusion.

Gibbs said nothing, maintaining Tony's eye contact.

After a moment, Tony said softly, "You got it, Boss."

Gibbs nodded. "It's late. Go upstairs, get some rest."

Tony nodded, too tired to argue. Gibbs stood up before reaching out and helping Tony up. "Thanks, Boss," Tony said softly.

Gibbs nodded again, watching Tony walk up the stairs and hoping that this would be the worst of it. But something in his gut said otherwise.


	15. Chapter 14

A/N: See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I'm so sorry this is late, guys, but life is running me over. If I can, there will still be an update on Friday. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and please review. :D

* * *

Chapter 14: Safety

There was something oddly comforting to Tony about sleeping in Gibbs' house. He couldn't explain it. Maybe it was that he knew he wasn't alone. Maybe it was that the man who spent most of the night in the basement was more of a father than his own had ever tried being. Or maybe it was just knowing that the house belonged to the only person Tony truly and one-hundred percent trusted and respected.

Well, Abby aside.

The house was somewhere between old and new, and Tony couldn't age it if he tried, but that didn't matter. The place was structurally sound and strong, and Tony wondered if that was because the house was too afraid of its owner to fall apart. After all, it only ever got termites _after_ Gibbs had moved to Mexico.

As Tony lay on his back, he stared at the ceiling of Gibbs' guest bedroom, sighing. Despite how comfortable sleeping at Gibbs' could be, the younger man was wide awake at the moment.

Sort of.

He could hear her before he could see her. "You know you're not really awake," Kate said, stepping out of the shadows.

"But I'm still in Gibbs' house," Tony replied, looking at her.

"Did you expect to be somewhere else?"

"It had crossed my mind."

"And where did you expect to be?"

Tony shrugged.

"The dungeon?" she asked. "Gibbs' basement?"

"I don't know," he replied.

"You managed to fall asleep. That's a start."

"Why do I get the feeling I'm about to get a lecture?"

"Maybe because you are," Paula said, stepping in from the door Tony had thought was closed.

"Agent Cassidy," Tony said, smiling warmly.

"Your dreams are a weird place for you to be formal, Tony."

"Well, you're clothed in this dream, so…"

"That's not why we're here, DiNozzo," Kate said, looking at him.

"Why are you here?" he replied.

"Because you won't listen to anyone else," Paula answered. "At least, no one who's living."

"I'm listening. I just… I can't make it true."

"You're trying too hard," Kate said.

"Everybody here wants me to be okay," Tony said.

"On your own terms," Paula said.

"What the hell does that mean?"

"That no one expects you to be okay yet," Kate said. "They want to help."

"I'm not sure they can help," Tony replied.

"And that's what bothers them more than anything else."

"I know. But, I don't know how to let them in. And believe me, they don't want to know."

"They want to help."

"But they don't want to know."

"They already know," Paula reminded him.

"Yeah, I know," Tony breathed. "But, I can't let them know everything. They don't want the details."

"If it'll help you heal, they'll do anything," Kate said.

Tony closed his eyes.

*~*~*~*

Gibbs poked his head in the doorway of his guest room, finding Tony sprawled on top of the covers. His body was peaceful, but his eyes were moving rapidly under his lids. That could only mean one thing.

Tony would be waking up soon.

Sure enough, the senior agent popped up off the bed a second later, breathing deeply. Gibbs watched from the doorway, not wanting to intrude until he had to.

"Why do even the most innocuous dreams scare me?" Tony asked.

Gibbs stayed quiet, not sure if that was a rhetorical question or not. When Tony started looking right at him, Gibbs said, "can't answer the question if I don't know what the dream was about."

"Kate and Paula."

"They scare you?"

Tony shrugged.

"What did they say?"

"That I'm not listening to anyone," Tony whispered.

Gibbs walked into the room, sitting down on the bed in front of Tony. "And?"

"And… they're right. I know that. But… if… if I told you guys everything… I… I wouldn't have anything left."

Gibbs said nothing, just watching the other man.

"I mean… there'd be no reason for you all to still respect me."

"Did something happen while you were afloat that stirred up something else?"

Tony closed his eyes before shaking his head. "It was just too much," the younger man said, his voice barely audible.

"What?" Gibbs asked.

"The only cop on a ship of 5,000. It was just too much with everything else I had going on. I just… I kept failing. It wouldn't get better."

Gibbs sighed softly.

"I just… I don't know I can do this, Boss."

"Do what?"

"My job. I think I need a vacation."

"Then take one."

"I don't have anywhere to go."

"I'm sure you could find a place."

Tony shrugged.

"Choice is yours, DiNozzo. No one's making you do anything."

Tony nodded, sighing.

"Try to get some sleep," Gibbs said, patting Tony on the shoulder.

"Yep," Tony replied, lying back down on the bed as Gibbs stood up and walked out of the room.

Even though his dream had been relatively pleasant, Tony still had an uneasy feeling in his stomach. And for the life of him, he couldn't figure out what it was. So he stared at the ceiling, trying to either figure out what the feeling was or to ignore it enough to fall back asleep.

But something wasn't right.

*~*~*~*

His sleep was extraordinarily heavy tonight, but he thought that was only because it had been a long day. Working with Tony lately had that effect on him. He was exhausted, and lucky he made it home without wrapping his car around a tree. As soon as he got home, he took off his tie and jumped in bed, deciding his clothes were comfortable enough to sleep in. His deep sleep was his downfall.

He never heard it coming.


	16. Chapter 15

A/N: I'm back with a chapter... I couldn't leave you guys hanging that long. See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you enjoy, and please review! :D

* * *

Chapter 15: "What the Hell?"

Gibbs' ringing phone was a grave annoyance, but he answered it anyway with a grunt.

"Special Agent Gibbs?" a girl's terrified, shaky voice asked.

"Yeah?" he replied, sitting up in bed.

"It's, uh, it's Sarah. Tim's sister?"

"What can I do for you, Sarah?"

"Um, well, Tim's… he's at the hospital."

Gibbs immediately shot out of bed, starting to get dressed. "Which one?"

"Uh… Monroe. He's hurt, bad."

"I'll be right there."

*~*~*~*

Gibbs and Tony showed up at the emergency room, finding Sarah pacing back and forth. "Sarah," Tony said.

"Tony," she replied, hugging him.

"Sarah, what happened?" Gibbs asked.

"I went over there because I had been out nearby and I needed a place to crash and I couldn't make it back to my apartment because I was tired and I didn't have enough for a cab. And… his door was locked, but… there was so much blood… I just… I checked for a pulse and called 911."

"Did you see anyone?" Tony asked gently.

"They must've heard me coming," she replied, somewhat shaky. "I didn't see them."

"You have any idea how they got in?"

"The window, maybe? I don't know."

"Tony, call DC Metro and tell them we'll handle it," Gibbs instructed.

"You got it, Boss," Tony replied. "I'll pick up Ziva and head over there."

"I'll call Ducky."

Sarah sighed deeply, sitting down in the waiting room. Tony left, talking on his cell phone as Gibbs sat down next to her, calling Ducky.

*~*~*~*

Tony and Ziva walked into McGee's apartment, making their way into his bedroom. Their mouths dropped open at the sheer carnage.

Blood was splayed all over McGee's bed, walls, and ceiling. There were remnants from the EMTs on the bed and floor, not to mention the trail from Sarah checking on her brother. She did have one thing right, though. Whoever it was definitely came in through the window.

"What the hell?" Tony asked, managing to find some of his voice.

"Is he…?" Ziva asked, looking at Tony as her voice trailed off.

"He's alive."

"How?"

"Good question."

*~*~*~*

"Who would want to kill McGee?" Ziva asked as they were standing around Abby's lab.

"I don't know," Abby replied.

"Crazy fan?" Tony asked.

"Ugh, not one of them again."

"It happens."

Abby shrugged, sniffing back the tears that were threatening to fall.

"Okay, Ziva, time for us to go delving into McGee's life," Tony said. "Abs, let us know if there's anything we can do to help you."

"I'll be alright," she said softly.

Tony hugged her, rubbing her back. "He's McGee. He's strong. He'll be okay."

Abby frowned, squeezing Tony tightly. He kissed her cheek before walking upstairs with Ziva.

*~*~*~*

Gibbs and Sarah were sitting in the waiting room as Ducky walked up. "He's in surgery?" he asked.

"Yeah," Sarah replied. "He, uh, he was pretty cut up."

"Are you okay, dear?"

"I'll be better when I know he's okay."

"I imagine. Is there anything I can get you? Either of you?"

"No. Thank you."

Gibbs looked at Ducky, who nodded.

"I'll see if I can get some information," Ducky said, walking away.

"Sarah, do you know of anyone who might want to hurt your brother?" Gibbs asked.

"No," she replied. "Maybe a fan wasn't happy with his latest book? I don't know. Tim didn't mention any enemies lately, though."

"Would he tell you?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. Probably not because he doesn't… we don't really talk about things like that. His publisher would know."

Gibbs nodded.

"I thought if he was in trouble, he'd tell you," she said, looking over. "He didn't say anything to you?"

Gibbs shook his head.

"Maybe someone else on your team?"

Gibbs shrugged.

Sarah sighed, rubbing her hands over her face. "My parents are on their way," she said softly. "They're driving up."

Gibbs nodded.

"I just hope it's not to get Tim's body." Her voice cracked as tears started falling down her face.

Gibbs sighed softly, putting his hand on her shoulder and rubbing it gently. "Tim's strong," he said softly. "He'll make it."

"I hope you're right."

Gibbs said nothing, continuing to rub her shoulder as Ducky came back with three hot cups.

"Coffee," he said, handing the cup to Gibbs. "And, I got you some tea if you'd like it, Sarah."

"Thanks," she said softly, accepting the cup from Ducky.

"You're very welcome. I spoke to one of the ER doctors. Timothy came in with several deep lacerations. He lost quite a bit of blood, but he should survive if the shock doesn't get him."

Gibbs nodded, and Sarah stood up, hugging Ducky. "Thank you," she whispered.

"You're welcome, my dear."

"I, uh, I need to get some air."

The two older gentlemen nodded, watching her as she walked away. Gibbs turned back to Ducky, arching his eyebrows.

"I didn't lie to the girl," Ducky said. "I just didn't mention that he's already experiencing shock and things were touch-and-go down here. _Before_ they started repairing things upstairs."

Gibbs said nothing, looking away as he took a drink from his coffee.

"He's Timothy," Ducky said more to himself than to Gibbs. "He'll be okay."

"If he isn't, he'll answer to me," Gibbs said softly.

Ducky smiled.

*~*~*~*

Gibbs walked into the bullpen a few hours later, finding his other two agents hard at work. "What do we got?" Gibbs asked.

"McGee's apartment was trashed," Tony reported. "Someone was looking for something there."

"And, whatever it was, it is not likely that they found it," Ziva said.

"McGee's blood was… all over the place…" Tony's throat closed up as he swallowed back his emotions.

"He's out of surgery," Gibbs told them. "He's in the ICU, but he's stable."

"Thank God," Tony breathed.

Ziva said a quiet 'thanks' in Hebrew.

"Well, Sarah was right," Tony continued reporting. "Our dirt bag came in through the window, got out the same way. She probably did scare them, because the only places that weren't completely rummaged through were his bathroom and his closet. Dirt bag started in the kitchen after he… attacked McGee."

"Tony and I have been looking for a motive, but we cannot find one," Ziva said.

"McGee's publisher says he hasn't gotten any threats, no one seemed to want him dead. We're still digging."

"So, you have nothing," Gibbs grunted.

Tony shook his head.

Gibbs' phone rang, and Abby's voice chirped, "I've got somethin' for ya, Gibbs."

*~*~*~*

"Our attacker was kind enough to leave his DNA behind," Abby said, looking at the entering agents. "And, CODIS was kind enough to give us a hit. His names Cody Hynes, arrested a few times for burglary and assault. Recently paroled."

"Any connection to McGee?" Gibbs asked.

"None that I can see, but I'll keep looking." She handed Gibbs the paper with Cody's address.

"He's out of surgery, Abs," Tony said as Gibbs hastily left the room with Ziva right behind him.

"Is he okay?" she asked, turning sharply to Tony.

"Stable, but in the ICU."

"That's totally normal after surgery though… right?"

Tony nodded. "It is at Monroe."

"Thank God." She hugged Tony tightly, and he wrapped his arms around her back. "When can we go see him?"

"As soon as this case is wrapped up," he replied.

"What would Cody want with Tim?" she asked.

"That's a good question."

*~*~*~*

"Who?" Cody asked groggily in the interrogation room. Gibbs and Ziva had found him passed out in his home and, after awakening him, hastily dragged him to NCIS.

"Timothy McGee," Gibbs said from his spot across the table. "The guy who's apartment you hit last night."

"I didn't hit no apartment last night."

"That's funny," Tony said as he paced behind Cody. "Because we found your DNA in his kitchen."

"Maybe he invited me in?" Cody suggested.

Gibbs and Tony shared a look before sharing a laugh.

"Oh, so this guy you never heard of invited you in?" Tony asked, leaning in close to Cody. "That's very funny. We also found your DNA on a shard of glass from the broken window."

"Why'd you break into his apartment?" Gibbs asked.

"I didn't break into no apartment," Cody maintained.

"Look, Cody, we got your DNA," Tony said. "We got the stuff you stole from the apartment. And we got your clothes, covered in blood. All we have to do is match that blood to Tim, and our case is closed. We got you on burglary and attempted murder."

"Attempted murder of a federal officer," Gibbs corrected.

"Wait, that dude was a fed?" Cody asked, panicked.

"The dude you're pretending you didn't hit?" Tony asked.

"He's an NCIS Special Agent," Gibbs said.

"Man, I didn't know he was a fed," Cody gasped. "I woulda never hit that place if I knew he was a fed. Shit."

"Why don't you tell us what happened?"

"Dude had a sweet ride. I saw him roll in, figured I'd make some money. I didn't know he was a cop, I swear."

"Special Agent."

"Whatever. Man, if I knew, I wouldn't have hit him. You gotta believe me."

"And you gotta believe me," Tony said, leaning close. "You're going to prison. Hope you enjoy it. Three strikes… that's life, man."

Tony stood back up, and Gibbs and Tony left the room.


	17. Chapter 16

A/N: See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and please review. :D

* * *

Chapter 16: The Hired Help

"Special Agent Gibbs?"

Tony picked his head up to the young man standing at his desk. He quietly shook his head.

"He's in with the director," Tony replied. "How can I help you?"

"I'm Special Agent Craig James. I've been TAD'd here."

Tony nodded, pointing to a desk. "You can sit there and wait for Gibbs to come down."

"Yes sir," Craig said, sitting in the chair Tony pointed to. Craig looked around the bullpen while Tony went back to typing on his computer. "How long have you been here, sir?"

"Hmm?" Tony asked, looking up again.

"How long have you been here?"

"Eight years." Tony looked back at his computer.

"Long time."

Tony shrugged, typing.

"I hope I can be in one place for eight years."

"Bounced around a lot?" Tony asked, still typing.

"Yes, sir," Craig said.

"Let me guess, served in the military?"

"Yes, sir."

"What branch?"

"Marines, sir."

"MP?"

"Yes, sir."

Tony nodded, finishing the report he was working on and sending it off. He looked over to Craig, a man who was around his own age, if not older. Craig was well dressed, wearing a suit and tie. There wasn't a hair out of place on his head, and the only facial hair he had was a well maintained goatee. "Reservist?" Tony asked.

"Yes, sir," Craig replied.

"How long you been at NCIS?"

"About three years, sir."

"Where have you been stationed?"

"Panama, Gitmo, OSP in Los Angeles, and Norfolk."

Tony nodded.

"Uh, forgive me for asking, sir, but why do you guys need a TAD?"

"One of our team members was attacked."

"Are they okay?"

"He'll be fine. He'll be out for a little while, but he'll be just fine."

"If he isn't, he'll answer to me," Gibbs said, walking into the bullpen.

"Boss, meet Special Agent Craig James," Tony said, gesturing at the man sitting across the bullpen from him. "TAD'd here."

Gibbs glanced at Tony before turning his attention to Craig. The younger man stood, extending his hand toward the team leader.

"Sir," Craig said.

Gibbs gave him the once-over before shaking Craig's hand.

Tony stood up, putting his report on Gibbs' desk before walking back to his own and sitting down.

Gibbs noticed Tony's tension and apprehension, but said nothing. "Take that desk," the older agent said, pointing to the one Paula sat in on her TAD over three years ago. The last time they needed TAD.

"Yes, sir," Craig replied, putting down his gear.

Gibbs stared at Tony until the younger man looked up from his computer screen. Gibbs nodded toward the elevator, and Tony half-nodded.

"Craig," Tony said. "You should go down to the lab, introduce yourself to our forensic scientist and our other agent. We'll join you guys in a minute."

"Yes, sir," Craig said.

"You don't have to 'sir' me. We're gonna be working together. Call me Tony."

"Okay."

"We'll meet you down there. Take that elevator."

"Alright." Craig walked away, and Tony waited until the elevator doors closed before standing and walking toward the elevator. Gibbs followed, and once they were inside the elevator, the older man flipped the switch.

"Something bugging you?" Gibbs asked, looking expectantly at Tony for the answer.

"A lot of things are," Tony asked.

"McGee's fine."

"Well, no, actually, he's still in the hospital, which means he's not fine. He will be fine."

Gibbs looked at him.

"I'm fine," Tony said.

Gibbs said nothing.

"I'm just tired."

"Of?" Gibbs asked.

"In general," Tony replied.

Gibbs stared.

"Physically tired, Gibbs. How many times do I have to tell you that I'm not suicidal?"

Gibbs shrugged.

"I know, it'd help if I was taking better care of myself."

Gibbs raised and lowered his eyebrows, but said nothing.

"I'm sorry. I'm just not with it."

"I know," Gibbs said softly.

"I had a bad feeling the other night," Tony said.

Gibbs furrowed his brow.

"The night McGee was attacked."

Gibbs nodded.

"I should've called him or something."

"Wouldn't have helped," Gibbs commented.

"Guess we'll never know," Tony dismissed.

"Go see him."

"I'm going to, after work."

Gibbs nodded.

"I'm just afraid of running into Chrissy."

Gibbs chuckled softly.

"I don't think she likes me that much. She's still kinda mad at me for that drunk night. Especially with the ensuing drunk-dials."

Gibbs smirked.

"Which, you encouraged, if I recall," Tony said pointedly.

Gibbs shook his head. "You two didn't need my help in making asses out of yourselves," he said.

"That's true."

Gibbs nodded.

"I'm hoping she'll be nice."

"She's more worried about McGee than killing you," Gibbs said.

"That's good to know," Tony replied. He closed his eyes, leaning against the wall.

"Go home. Get some rest."

"If I could, I would." Tony opened his eyes, looking at Gibbs. "But I can't sleep. You've seen that even when I try to get sleep, I have a dream that scares the crap out of me."

Gibbs nodded.

"Sydney says it'll be okay. She gave me some prescription, though."

"And you're not taking it," Gibbs observed.

"Tried," Tony said. "Remember how I was late a week ago?"

Gibbs' face broke into a concerned look. "DiNozzo, at this rate, I'd rather you be late every day."

Tony shrugged. "I don't wanna be late. Lazy people are late. Losers are late."

Gibbs furrowed his brow. "You've never had a problem with being late before."

Tony sighed heavily.

Gibbs watched the younger man, half-waiting for an explanation and half-knowing he wasn't going to get one.

"Richard," Tony whispered.

Gibbs nodded, remembering that as soon as Tony had come back to work, he had either been on time or early. Gibbs had assumed it was Tony's way of taking control over his life. He had no idea it was something Richard had beaten into the kid.

Tony picked up on Gibbs' hesitation, and simply shook his head. "We should get to Abby's before Craig starts to wonder," the younger man said, flipping the switch.

Gibbs didn't respond, but didn't reach for the switch, either.

*~*~*~*

"I thought they were coming down in a minute," Craig said, looking at the two women before him.

"What, you don't like our company?" Abby teased.

"No, it's not that at all, ma'am."

"Abby."

"Sorry. Abby. It's just… I don't know."

"It's okay," she said. "One thing you'll learn is that both Gibbs and Tony work on their own timetables. And Gibbs' timetable definitely isn't Tony's timetable. Though, sometimes they're on the same schedule. Like right now."

"They will be here soon," Ziva said.

"They're already here," Gibbs said as he walked in. Tony tiredly trailed behind. "What do we got?"


	18. Chapter 17

A/N: See the first chapter for the disclaimer. This is the first we get to see an awake McGee post-attack, and also the first time we get to meet Chrissy! :D I hope you guys enjoy the chapter, and please review. :)

* * *

Chapter 17: No Worries

Tony made his way into the hospital room, finding McGee asleep on the bed. Chrissy was sitting next to him, stroking his closely cut hair. She looked up when she heard Tony come in.

"Hi," she said softly.

"Hi," Tony replied. "We haven't met yet. I'm Tony."

"It's nice to meet you in person, and not just through a drunken phone connection." Her smile and voice were warm and comforting, and instantly Tony could see why McGee liked her so much.

"Sorry about that," he said.

"No worries," she replied.

Tony nodded, sitting down in the chair next to his bed.

"How are you?" Chrissy asked.

"I'm okay," Tony replied, smiling slightly. "How are you?"

She sighed. "I'll be better when he's out of here."

"So will a lot of us. How's he doing?"

"Restless. Miserable. But not hurting too much."

Tony smiled. "Thank God for small miracles."

She nodded, continuing to stroke McGee's hair.

"How long's he been asleep for?" Tony asked softly.

"Most of the afternoon," she replied.

"And he's awake now," McGee muttered, opening his eyes.

Chrissy smiled. "How're you feeling?"

"Fine."

She nodded, clearly not buying it but also not pushing it. "Well, I'm going to get going," she said. "I'll let you two visit. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah, great," McGee said.

She nodded, kissing him gently before patting Tony's shoulder. "It was nice meeting you."

"You too," Tony said. "Take care."

"Thanks," she said, walking out of the room.

Tony watched her leave before turning back to McGee. "So, what did she do?" he asked.

"Huh?" McGee replied.

"You didn't seem too happy that she was here."

"She's just… been here a lot."

Tony shrugged. "She cares about you."

"I know," McGee sighed. "She's just… been here almost every hour of every day. If it's not her, it's Sarah. Or both of them. Or Abby."

"You're complaining about Abby?" Tony asked.

"No, no. I'm not complaining about Abby. I'm just…"

"Venting."

"Yeah." McGee took a deep breath before relaxing back against the pillows. "She's sweet. She's just…"

"Smothering?" Tony asked.

"Something like that," McGee replied.

"You love her?"

"I don't think we've been together long enough to call it love."

"She loves you."

McGee shrugged. "I don't know about that."

"If she's smothering you, that usually means love."

McGee frowned, hardening his expression. "When the hell did you become the authority on love?"

Tony sighed, tiredly rubbing his eyes rather than say anything back.

McGee fell silent, turning his head to stare out the window.

"Well, since you're wanting some time to yourself," Tony said softly, starting to stand.

"No, stay," McGee said softly, looking back at Tony. "It's not that I want to be alone. It's just…"

"Too many women?" Tony settled back in the chair.

"Too many people asking about feelings."

Tony snorted lightly. "I know how that goes."

McGee nodded. "How are you doing, by the way?"

Tony leveled a glare as McGee smirked. "I'm fine," the older agent said.

"Good," McGee replied.

"How are you handling this?"

"Fine."

Tony shifted, his face and demeanor hesitant but not stopping him from saying what was on his mind. "Look, far be it for me to get touchy-feely or really be in much of a position to be talking, but… you were attacked in your home, McGee."

The junior agent looked back out the window.

"That's… the one place you shouldn't have to worry about that," Tony said.

"Shut up, okay?" McGee snapped. "I don't want to talk about this. I'm fine, okay? I'm not you. I'm not going to go off the deep end or into a bottle. So leave it alone."

Tony flinched. "Sorry," he whispered.

McGee sighed heavily. "Tony…"

"No, it's okay. I'm just… I'm gonna go."

"Tony."

Tony stood up, shaking his head and patting McGee's arm. "Take care."

"I'm…"

Tony walked out before McGee could finish.

*~*~*~*

Gibbs walked into McGee's hospital room, finding the younger man still staring out the window. Gibbs said nothing, just sitting in the chair Tony had vacated an hour before and taking a sip from the coffee he brought with him.

"I messed up," McGee said.

Gibbs arched his eyebrows, but said nothing.

"Tony came by earlier, and I was a jerk."

"How so?" Gibbs asked gently.

"He was trying to help me, and I yelled at him," McGee said.

Gibbs watched as McGee turned to look at him.

"I'm just sick of people asking me how I'm feeling and if I'm okay."

Gibbs shrugged. "You got attacked about a week ago, Tim," he said softly.

"I know," McGee said. "And ever since, Chrissy barely leaves. Sarah's constantly been here. Abby's always here. My parents have come by. Not to mention the multitude of doctors and nurses, psychiatrists… I just… I don't know. I snapped when Tony started pushing too."

Gibbs nodded.

"I shouldn't have."

"'M not the person you need to say that to," Gibbs said.

"I know," McGee exhaled. "Think he'll forgive me?"

Gibbs tilted his head with a slight smirk. "He's DiNozzo."

"Yeah."

"Don't worry about him. He won't hold it against you."

"Are you sure about that?" McGee asked sadly.

Gibbs gave him a look.

"Boss," McGee said.

"Tony's not the type to hold a bad day against you," Gibbs said. "He knows you were upset. And, knowing him, he probably pushed you a little too far."

"I didn't tell him to stop."

Gibbs arched his eyebrows. "What'd you say?"

"That I wasn't him."

Gibbs took a drink from his coffee.

"And that I wasn't going to go off the deep end, or start drinking."

Gibbs looked at McGee as the younger shook his head in anger.

"I'm an asshole," he said softly. "Tony's got it bad enough without me bitching him out. And how can I say that to him? He was…" McGee's voice trailed off as he couldn't say the word.

Gibbs said nothing.

"I mean… I can't imagine if… if I had gone through even _one day_ of what he endured. And he was gone for almost a week."

Gibbs repositioned his coffee cup in his hand as he listened.

"It makes sense that he'd still be… not okay. And I made him think that… I made it sound like… like he's weak or something. I don't think that."

"I know," Gibbs said softly.

"I don't think he's an alcoholic. I mean, he did drink more after he left… and maybe he's still drinking now… I don't know… but I don't… I mean… I don't think he… it's not really a problem…"

Gibbs swallowed, saying nothing.

"But, do you think he'll still forgive me?" McGee asked.

Gibbs nodded.

McGee looked down, sighing. "How much did I just make things worse?"

Gibbs took a drink from his coffee. For once, that was a question Leroy Jethro Gibbs didn't know how to answer.


	19. Chapter 18

A/N: A little early this week! See the first chapter for the disclaimer. As always, I hope you enjoy, and please review! :D

* * *

Chapter 18: I'm Not Okay

Gibbs found Tony later that night sitting on his doorstep. Tony was curled up against the porch rail post with his eyes closed, his body shivering in the cold while the man was sleeping. Gibbs furrowed his brow before reaching out and putting his hand on Tony's shoulder. Tony stirred slightly.

"DiNozzo," Gibbs said, gently shaking Tony's shoulder.

Tony opened his eyes, looking over. "Boss," he slurred tiredly.

"What are you doing here?"

Tony rubbed his eyes. "I… I didn't know where else to go."

Gibbs tilted his head to the side. "Door's unlocked."

"You weren't here. I wasn't gonna just walk in when you weren't here. Didn't feel right."

Gibbs nodded, extending his hand to help Tony up. The two of them went inside the house, and Tony settled on the couch while Gibbs went into his kitchen before returning to sit in the chair.

"I didn't know where else to go," Tony said softly, looking down.

"What happened?" Gibbs asked softly.

"I got bitched out by McGee. I pushed when I shouldn't have. I just… I wanted to stop thinking about my own problems. I thought maybe if I could just help him… I don't know. But… I shouldn't have said anything."

Gibbs watched quietly.

"It was stupid."

"You were concerned for a friend," Gibbs said softly.

"But I knew he was angry," Tony said. "And I kept pushing. I just… I don't know. I guess I was trying to use him to distract me from my own problems. I guess… I thought… maybe if I could help him, maybe I'd think that I could be okay. That I was okay. But…"

Gibbs nodded, understanding what Tony meant.

"You know what my first reaction was? What I wanted to do?"

"Hmm," Gibbs acknowledged.

"I wanted to get so drunk that I had no idea what day it was."

Gibbs arched his eyebrows. "But you didn't."

"No."

"What stopped you?"

Tony quirked one corner of his mouth into a grin. "I have good friends that would kick my ass or shoot me."

Gibbs tilted his head back and forth.

"McGee was right. I _am_ going off the deep end."

"If you were, you wouldn't have come here," Gibbs said. "You would've gone to the bar."

Tony shrugged. "Doesn't really matter."

"Does to you."

Tony pulled his knees in toward his chest quietly.

"What did McGee say that bothered you?"

"He said he's not me," Tony said softly. "And, he asked me when I became an expert on love. And, he has a point. I haven't had that many serious relationships, but… I don't know."

"That's not what bothers you," Gibbs said.

Tony shook his head.

"Him not being you?"

"It shouldn't bother me," Tony said. "He's not me. He's lucky he's not me."

Gibbs just watched him.

"He still has parents who love him. A girlfriend who's crazy about him. He didn't let his kid sister get killed."

Gibbs sighed quietly, dropping his head back in the chair. As much as he was getting sick of Tony's self-deprecation on things that weren't his fault, he wasn't about to openly express that.

Tony didn't seem to notice Gibbs' annoyance. "He's lucky he's not a screw up like me," he said softly.

"What makes you say you're a screw up?" Gibbs asked calmly.

"I'm a borderline alcoholic who gets people around him killed. How am I not a screw up?"

"You were supposed to stop Kate from getting killed? Paula?"

"Jenny."

"Your sister?"

"McGee."

"McGee's not dead," Gibbs reminded him.

"Yeah, but he's still in the hospital," Tony said.

"How is that your fault?"

"I had a feeling something was wrong."

"And?"

"And what?"

Gibbs stared at him.

"Okay, I get what you're saying," Tony said softly.

"Do you?" Gibbs asked.

"Just because I had a bad feeling, what happened to McGee wasn't my fault. I couldn't save him. Just like I couldn't save everyone else. None of that was my fault. It was out of my control."

Gibbs pursed his lips slightly. "Sound like you don't believe it."

Tony shrugged. "I'm working on it."

Gibbs nodded.

"You think McGee's right?" Tony timidly asked after a moment of silence.

"Hmm?" Gibbs replied.

"Am I going off the deep end?"

"No."

Tony nodded, looking down.

"You already are crazy," Gibbs joked, patting Tony on the shoulder as he stood up.

Tony smiled lightly.

Gibbs walked back in with two mugs. He handed one to Tony before sitting down.

"Thanks," Tony said softly, taking a sip from his. He was surprised to find that it was actually tea with sugar, not coffee like he expected. "Can I ask you one more thing?"

"Hmm," Gibbs acknowledged.

"Am I becoming an alcoholic?"

"You tell me."

"I don't really have increasing tolerance. I'm not detoxing either. I'm still functioning."

Gibbs took a drink from his mug.

"I only feel like I have to drink when I'm upset. But, that alone scares me."

"You're aware it could become a problem," Gibbs said.

"Yeah," Tony breathed. "And I'm afraid it could get worse."

"But you came here tonight, by your own choice."

"And under my own power."

Gibbs nodded.

"This job… you guys… it all means more to me than anything," Tony said. "Just… sometimes I don't know how to talk to you."

Gibbs shrugged.

Tony shook his head, taking a drink from his mug.

Gibbs simply watched as Tony resolved himself to end the conversation.

"McGee gonna stay here when he gets out of the hospital?" Tony asked.

Gibbs shrugged, thinking, _there's the subject change…_

"His apartment's been released, right?"

Gibbs nodded.

Tony nodded to himself, taking a drink from his tea.

"Why?" Gibbs asked.

"Just curious," Tony replied.

Gibbs nodded, knowing what Tony was thinking without the older man saying it.

*~*~*~*

After finishing his tea, Tony left Gibbs' house, heading back to his own apartment. He walked in to find Abby sitting on his couch. "Okay, you're creepier than Gibbs," he said softly.

"Are you okay?" she asked, turning to him.

"I'm fine," he said.

"McGee told me about the fight."

"I don't know that I'd call it a fight," Tony said, shrugging off his coat. "He was cranky, he snapped. He didn't mean anything by it."

"You just came from Gibbs', huh?"

Tony snorted softly with a smile.

"Tim doesn't want to admit it, but he's scared," Abby said, standing. "He's not looking forward to going home. He…"

"I know," Tony interrupted gently. "But, he's McGee. He'll be okay."

She reached over and pulled Tony into a hug. "Are you okay?"

"No. But that doesn't have anything to do with McGee."

She frowned.

"But, enough about that. How about we watch a movie?"

Abby sighed, squeezing Tony's hand. "Okay," she said. "One condition, though."

"What's that?" Tony replied.

"Promise me that you'll talk to me and be honest with me?"

"Have I ever lied to you?"

"Yes."

Tony shrugged one shoulder. "Well, I won't now. What do you want to know?"

"Are you upset with McGee?"

"No."

"Upset with yourself?"

"Somewhat. But that's not because of McGee. Well, I mean, he made me think about some things, but that's not what makes me upset."

"So… what does?"

"I'm just worried that I'm losing it."

Abby frowned, squeezing Tony's hand again. "We won't let you."

Tony smiled. "I know."

She smiled, but said nothing.

"So, can we watch that movie now?" he asked.

"Of course," she replied, hugging him. They settled down on the couch with _Clue_, a bag of popcorn, two sodas, and mouths full of comments.


	20. Chapter 19

A/N: See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I'm so, so sorry I haven't updated in a month... severe writer's block with this story. On a brighter note, I've worked it out. :D I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and please review. :D

* * *

Chapter 19: Avoidance

McGee knocked on the door, using the wall beside it to hold him up. He had already been standing there for a while, longer than most people would have. He would knock, wait, knock again, wait again…

And nothing was happening.

Normally, McGee would start pounding on the door and screaming for the person inside to open up, but he wasn't sure if the apartment's occupant really wanted to see him. And he also wasn't sure he wanted to be there. But, amends had to be made.

It was a weekend, so someone should've been home. And McGee should've been more worried about the fact that no one was answering. But, he had called last night and left a message of when he'd come visit. He knew the occupant was home- he saw his car in the parking lot.

Finally, worry and fatigue got the best of him, and McGee knocked harder. "Tony?" he called into the door. "Tony!"

McGee, at last, heard stumbling and shuffling through the apartment before the locks were finally opened and a very tired Tony opened the door. Tony's hair was ruffled, as were his clothes. He hadn't shaved, and there were bags under his eyes, which was enough to tell McGee that Tony had been sleeping.

But this was more. Tony looked like he had been run over by truck.

"Wha?" Tony asked, his voice one of nasally congestion.

"I'm sorry I woke you up," McGee said, frowning. "I didn't know you were sick."

Tony snuffled, backing out of the door and gesturing for McGee to come in. McGee nodded, walking in quickly as Tony locked the door behind him. Tony grabbed a handful of tissues, holding them under his nose.

"Wha sup?" Tony asked, half awake.

"I, uh… I just wanted to make sure we were okay… but I can always come back," McGee suggested.

"'S 'kay. I'm just on some meds."

"Cold?"

"Either that, or the flu, or allergies. Or maybe all three. I can't tell anymore."

McGee made a face and a light snort. "What're you taking?"

"Cold medicine. I hate the nighttime ones. They always keep me awake."

McGee chuckled lightly, nodding.

"And the day ones make me sleepy."

McGee smiled. "Ducky been over?" he asked.

"Saw me yesterday," Tony replied before sneezing. "Said I'd be fine, but made Gibbs send me home anyway."

McGee nodded. "Well, maybe I shouldn't keep you up."

"I get you don't wanna get sick. But, you wanted to talk. Let's talk."

"But you're on cold meds."

"I'll remember it later. I'm not drunk." Tony paused, contemplating that statement. "Might be stoned, though. Can't tell."

McGee chuckled. "Do you want me to stay?" he asked.

"'Sup to you," Tony said, stretching out on his couch before gesturing that McGee take the other chair.

"You gonna fall asleep on me?"

"I make no promises."

"Fair enough." McGee sat down, watching as Tony's eyelids began to droop. "Maybe I should go," the younger man suggested.

"Stop avoiding the conversation, McBallerina," Tony mumbled, looking at McGee through narrowed slits.

"Ballerina?"

"You're dancing around the issue."

McGee tilted his head. "Ballet is about dancing out the story."

Tony shrugged. "How should I know? Ne'er went to the ballet."

"You grew up in New York."

"Long Island. Not Man'attan."

"I know you grew up in Long Island, but I thought maybe your family would've gone to a ballet."

Tony shrugged again. "Mom and Dad might've gone," he said. "They didn't take Cari and me with them, though."

McGee frowned. "What did you guys do as a family?" he probed gently.

"Eat dinner together."

"That's it?"

Tony nodded.

"What about on the weekends?"

"I was in training to take over Dad's company. Cari went to dance classes to keep her out of my mom's hair." Tony bit his bottom lip, thinking. "Truth is, the only thing any of us ever shared was a problem with using alcohol as a crutch."

McGee frowned, having never felt more hurt for Tony than he did in this moment. How did someone this deprived as a child end up being… well, Tony?

"Wasn't all bad, though," Tony continued. "Mom was good with us sometimes, you know? When Dad was out of town? If it wasn't for her, I probably wouldn't have the movie addiction I do now. She would always let Cari and I stay up late and watch old movies with her." Tony smiled at the memory.

McGee curled one corner of his mouth into a smile.

"She'd let me watch TV with her, too. Mom loved watching TV and movies with us. She mostly had problems with going out somewhere with us. I don't know."

McGee nodded, even though Tony wasn't watching him.

"Okay, this isn't therapy, so maybe we should stop avoiding the elephant in the room," Tony finally said before blowing his nose.

"I said a bunch of things I shouldn't have," McGee said.

"It's okay. You were right."

"No, I wasn't."

"Actually, you're one of the only people who really called me out on it, even though you weren't the only person thinking it."

McGee nodded to himself.

"Truth is, I was thinking it too," Tony said, making full eye contact with McGee. "And that scared the hell out of me. The last thing I ever want to be in the world is an alcoholic like my parents."

"You're not…" McGee started.

"Not in a medical definition," Tony said, coughing. "More in the 'abuse it as a crutch' way. It never developed into dependence. But… it was a problem. _Is_ a problem. Maybe. I don't know."

"Does Sydney know?"

Tony nodded tiredly. "I told her the first day I walked in when I got back."

McGee nodded.

Tony furrowed his brow. "Is it sad that she's probably one of the longest relationships I've had with a woman?" he asked.

McGee chuckled softly.

Tony shook his head. "She helped me," he said.

"Good," McGee replied. "But, you know we're all here for you too, right?"

"I know."

McGee nodded again, watching as Tony started to nod off. "Maybe I should let you go back to sleep."

"Nah," Tony replied, opening his eyes. "You doing okay?"

"Fine. Were you the one who cleaned my apartment?"

Tony shrugged. "Guilty."

"Why?"

"I felt bad."

"Because of what I said?" McGee asked, frowning.

"Because I pushed too much," Tony said. "You didn't want to talk, and I knew that."

"You were just trying to help."

"Yeah, but I knew you were already frustrated with everyone else."

"This was my fault, not yours."

Tony shrugged. "Doesn't matter. Water under the bridge."

"Is it?" McGee asked, more out of curiosity than baiting.

Tony nodded tiredly, closing his eyes again.

"Thanks," McGee said softly.

"No problem," Tony replied. "I'd give you a high five, but I think it's better you don't touch me."

"I'm not worried about catching your cold. I'll be out for a little while still."

Tony shrugged one shoulder. "There's that."

"I'm gonna get going, though. You need your rest."

"Hmm."

"You know, you're bed's a better place to sleep than your couch."

"Too tired to get up."

"Come on," McGee said, moving to help Tony up.

Tony mumbled, but allowed McGee to help him and lead him into his own room. "I got it from here," Tony said when he was in the doorway.

"Alright," McGee said. "Feel better then."

"You too."

McGee nodded, watching Tony climb into bed before turning and heading for the door.


	21. Chapter 20

A/N: See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and please please please review.

* * *

Chapter 20: Dropping In

McGee made his way into the bullpen, finding Ziva sitting behind her desk. Craig was sitting at the TAD desk, working on his computer. They were the only two in the bullpen.

"Hey Ziva," McGee said softly.

She looked up. "McGee," she said. "Have you been cleared to be back?"

"Not yet. I'm just dropping by." McGee nodded at Craig. "Who's he?"

"Special Agent James. He is here filling in while you are out."

McGee nodded. "Where's Tony?"

"I do not know. How are you feeling?"

"Better." McGee walked over, pulling his chair out from behind his desk and moving it next to Ziva's. "What're you guys working on?"

"Paperwork. We do not have a case right now."

McGee nodded again, turning. "Special Agent James?" he said.

Craig looked up from his computer before standing and walking over. "You must be Special Agent McGee," he said, extending his hand to McGee.

McGee stood, shaking Craig's hand. "You can call me Tim, or McGee."

"Call me Craig. It's nice to meet you, sir."

"You don't need to 'sir' me. It's nice to meet you too. How long have you been here?"

"In DC, or in the agency?"

"Both."

"I've been here for almost 2 weeks. I've been with the agency almost 3 years now."

"Long time."

"Yes."

"How have they been treating you here?"

"They've been great."

"Even Tony?" McGee asked, slightly incredulously.

"Yes," Craig said.

McGee turned to Ziva.

"Tony has not really been himself lately," she explained gently.

"I see," McGee said softly.

"Is he worse?" Craig asked.

"He can be very insulting. And he loves movies."

Craig nodded.

"Does he make you 'sir' him?" McGee asked.

"No," Craig replied. "He told me to call him Tony. He's been nice to me since I got here."

"Hmm. He _really_ wasn't being himself."

"When did you see him last?" Ziva asked, looking at McGee.

"Saturday," McGee replied. "I stopped by to talk to him."

"Make amends, yes?"

McGee furrowed his brow. "We weren't really fighting. We had a small misunderstanding."

Abby started to walk into the bullpen before running over and hugging McGee. "It's so good to see you!" she squealed, hugging him.

"Good to see you too," he replied, wrapping his arms around her.

She let go of him slowly. "Did you and Tony make up yet?"

McGee glanced at Ziva before turning back to Abby and nodding. "Two days ago."

Abby bit her lip. "When he was all sick?"

"He didn't answer when I called. I didn't know he was sick. And when I showed up, he insisted we talk."

"Aww. How was he feeling?"

"He looked miserable."

Abby frowned. "Aww."

"Did he call out sick?" McGee asked. Ziva and Craig shrugged.

"I have not seen Gibbs yet this morning," Ziva said. "He has been in with Director Vance since I arrived."

"He's not anymore," Gibbs said, walking into the bullpen. He stopped right in front of McGee. "What are you doing here, McGee?"

"Just… wanted to drop in, Boss," McGee said.

Gibbs nodded dismissively. "How're you doing?" he asked, moving behind his desk.

"Better."

Gibbs nodded again.

"Did Tony call out sick?" Abby asked, looking at Gibbs.

Gibbs looked up at her.

"Well, he's not here yet."

"He's down in Autopsy with Ducky," Gibbs said.

"Is he still sick?" Abby asked.

Gibbs just looked at her.

*~*~*~*

_The lights were dimmed, and in his mind's eye, he could see Ducky and Palmer looking at a set of X-rays. He felt the chill of the table below him, the thin sheet on top of him. The tray table hovered beside him, and he didn't need to think too hard to figure out what was going on._

_In this dream, he was dead._

"_It's not so bad, you know," Kate said, looking at him._

"_Being dead, or being autopsied?" Tony replied, looking at her._

"_You're sick, Tony. You're not dying."_

"_So, why am I dreaming about being dead?"_

"_You tell me."_

"_You're the profiler."_

_She looked at him._

_He sighed. "I'm… I think I'm dying? Something's going to kill me?"_

"_My poor fellow," Ducky said, turning to Tony._

"_Can he hear me?" Tony asked Kate._

"_It's your dream," she replied, shrugging._

"_I don't think I can assist on this, Doctor," Palmer said sadly._

"_I know how you feel, Mr. Palmer," Ducky replied. "As many times as I've had to do this, it never gets any easier."_

"_What's my cause of death?" Tony asked, looking at Kate._

"_Why don't you listen?" she replied, nodding at Ducky and Palmer._

_Gibbs slowly made his way into Autopsy, stopping short of the first table in front of the doors to the elevator. Tony was on the table closest to the drawers, which Kate was leaning against. Palmer walked toward where Gibbs was standing, heading to the elevator. Gibbs gave Palmer a small pat on the shoulder before Palmer left autopsy._

"_What do you got, Duck?" Gibbs asked softly, looking sadly at Ducky._

"_First inclination?" Ducky said softly. "Suicide."_

"_I killed myself?" Tony asked._

"_He killed himself?" Gibbs asked at the same time as Tony._

"_It's very likely," Ducky said softly._

_Gibbs sighed, sinking against another table._

"_There are hesitation marks on his wrists," Ducky continued, his voice saddened. "He finally made cuts deep enough."_

"_Why?" Gibbs asked softly._

"_I wish I had that answer for you, Jethro."_

"_I'm not going to kill myself," Tony said, looking at Kate._

"_You already are," Kate told him._

_Tony sighed, closing his eyes. "So, you're putting on this little show to remind me that I have friends that care and don't want to see me end up dead?"_

"_Nothing else seems to get through to you," she said, walking forward. She put her hand gently on Tony's shoulder. "I learned a long time ago that sometimes, the best way to get you to pay attention is with a dramatic act."_

"_Kate, have you ever dealt with anything close to what I'm going through?"_

"_I'm not saying you should be okay. Do you know what you're like when you're drunk? What your shipmates really saw?"_

_Tony opened his eyes, looking at her sadly._

"_Do you know the real reason Drew checked in on you?" she continued. "You told him, in passing, that you wanted to throw yourself overboard."_

"_I hated being at sea," he said, shrugging._

"_It was more than that, and you know it. You also know that you're not as well off as you want everyone to believe."_

"_When did you become so antagonizing? This is my dream, and I want it to go away now."_

_Kate sighed, snapping her fingers and transporting Tony into his own apartment bedroom._

"_See, when I said I wanted it to go away, I meant you too," Tony said from his position on his bed._

"_You can't always get everything," she replied, shrugging as she leaned against the wall. "Look, Tony, I'm not trying to antagonize you, okay? I'm just trying to point out to you the path you're on."_

"_I'm not going to kill myself. I mean, I'm starting to work on getting myself better."_

_She walked over, sitting next to him on the bed. "And those things you're hiding? From Sydney? From Gibbs?"_

_He looked down at his lap. "They don't need to know."_

"_Those are the things that are going to kill you, Tony."_

_He looked up to find himself alone._

*~*~*~*

Tony tiredly opened his eyes, watching as the dimmed ceiling in front of him began to come into focus. He realized he was waking up on a table in Autopsy, the one in his dream. He sprang upward quickly, causing Palmer to jump, as the younger man had just finished closing one of the drawers.

"Nice to see you're back with us, Anthony," Ducky commented, labeling a specimen jar.

"How out of it was I?" Tony asked, trying to clear his head of both his sleep and the fog of his cold.

"Mr. Palmer caused quite a ruckus when he knocked over a tray of instruments. You slept right through it."

Tony coughed. "I did?"

Ducky put the jar down before taking off his gloves. "Had you been sleeping much before you got ill?" he asked, washing his hands.

"No," Tony confessed.

Palmer took the jar that Ducky labeled, walking out of the room. Ducky walked over to Tony, putting his hands against Tony's neck glands. "That's probably why this virus is attacking you as badly as it is," the doctor explained. "Weakened immune defenses."

"Yeah, I know." Tony sneezed before burying his face in tissues as Gibbs walked in. "Hey, Boss," Tony snuffled out.

Gibbs looked over to Ducky.

Ducky stuck a thermometer in Tony's mouth once the younger man put the tissues down before turning to Gibbs. "He seems better than Friday," Ducky explained.

Gibbs looked at Tony, who was barely holding himself up now that the adrenaline from his dream had worn off.

"His lack of sleeping well at night has been making it worse," Ducky continued, looking pointedly at Tony.

Gibbs kept his gaze on Tony, who looked down like a scolded child.

"His body has not been getting the rest it needs, and this virus has been striking him harder than it would you or Ziva," Ducky added.

"We get the point, Ducky," Tony mumbled around the thermometer before coughing slightly.

"I hope you didn't drive to work today."

"Cab."

"DiNozzo," Gibbs said softly.

"You were already here," Tony said as Ducky pulled the thermometer out of his mouth.

"100.3," Ducky announced. "Low-grade fever, typical of fighting off an infection." He put his stethoscope in his ears before placing the diaphragm against Tony's back. "Deep breath."

Tony quietly cooperated under Gibbs' watchful eye.

"Your lungs sound worse than Friday," Ducky said softly, pulling the stethoscope away.

Tony snuffled quietly before coughing.

"You need to blow it out, Tony. Not sniffle."

"Hurts my nose," Tony said, pouting.

"You're already at higher risk for pneumonia," Ducky reminded him.

Tony coughed harshly, nearly falling off the edge of the table with the drastic movements. Gibbs held him upright.

"I recommend you go back to bed," Ducky said.

Tony half-glared.

"Eat something," Ducky continued. "Get plenty of fluids. And don't come in tomorrow. I'll make a home visit."

"Ducky," Tony started before coughing again. "I'm fine."

Ducky chuckled lightly. "I'm afraid that's a contradiction."

Tony made a face.

"C'mon," Gibbs said, grabbing Tony's arm gently and helping the sick man off the table.

"Boss," Tony tried to argue.

"I'm taking you home," Gibbs said, half-dragging the stubborn DiNozzo behind him. It wasn't much work, though, given how sick Tony was feeling.

"Thanks, Ducky," Tony managed to get out before Gibbs had him in the elevator.


	22. Chapter 21

A/N: Sorry this is so late in the day. See the first chapter for the disclaimer. There are two chapters left after this one. I hope you guys enjoy the chapter, and please review! :)

* * *

Chapter 21: Sick Day

Tony unlocked his front door with Gibbs standing beside him. Tony plopped onto his couch while Gibbs made his way into the kitchen. "You need to go back to work," Tony said. "I'll be fine here."

"DiNozzo," Gibbs said.

"I was fine all weekend by myself. McGee didn't need to help me back to my room."

Gibbs looked at him.

"Have Palmer come over?" Tony suggested.

"Palmer has class soon," Gibbs said.

"What will Vance say?"

Gibbs looked at him.

"Right," Tony said, rolling his eyes. "Don't worry about Vance." He sighed. "All I'm going to do is sleep, Boss. It's going to be boring."

"DiNozzo," Gibbs said. "Shut up."

Tony lay down on the couch, closing his eyes. Before long, he was fast asleep.

*~*~*~*

When Tony woke up hours later, Gibbs wasn't still there, but Palmer was. "Thought you had class," Tony mumbled sleepily.

"Class does end," Palmer gently reminded him.

Tony furrowed his brow in exhausted defiance. "Don't need anyone to take care of me."

"I know you don't. But, for the sake of my education, will you let me practice?"

Tony tiredly nodded and shrugged at the same time.

"Here," Palmer said, putting something on the coffee table in front of Tony. "Sit up. You need to eat something."

"Not hungry," Tony mumbled before coughing harshly.

"Doctor's orders."

"You're not a doctor yet," Tony replied, his voice hoarse.

"It'll make you feel better."

"I feel fine."

"Tony, please. Don't make me tell Gibbs."

Tony looked over at Palmer. "You wouldn't."

Palmer looked back with childish defiance. "I would."

Tony finally sat up, pulling the blanket he didn't remember covering himself with around his shoulders. He started eating the lunch Palmer had made him. "You gonna eat?" Tony asked.

"I ate a few minutes ago," Palmer replied, watching his patient.

Tony nodded before coughing.

"Once you're done, I'll give you some medicine."

"I really don't need a doctor," Tony disputed. "I can take care of myself."

"I thought we agreed you'd let me practice," Palmer said.

Tony shook his head before coughing slightly.

"How are you feeling?"

"Tired," Tony said softly. "But, a little better."

"You don't sound much better."

Tony stuck his tongue out at Palmer, who smirked.

"'M sick, and you're making fun of me," Tony grumbled softly.

"You've done the same thing to me," Palmer reminded him.

"Yeah, but I'm a horrible person. How much of an example do you really want to make out of me?"

Palmer looked analytically at Tony. "You're not a bad person, Tony."

"I'm a bad agent."

"No you're not."

"I messed up a case."

Palmer tilted his head. "When?" he asked.

"When I was afloat," Tony confessed. "And, it wasn't just one case."

"What happened?"

"Well, they weren't really cases, more of a side gig. I don't know why, but I kind of became the go-to guy when it came to psych counseling and stuff. I gave a couple of guys some bad advice. One of them ended up getting divorced. Another one threatened to kill me when his problem got worse. That's why I got moved off the _Reagan_. It was easier to move me than the other guy."

Palmer bit his lip, but didn't say anything.

"I was miserable," Tony continued. "I was hurting. And I wasn't thinking about anyone else. When they came to me for advice… I said the first thing that came to mind. I didn't consider what it would do for them or their problems."

"They didn't have to listen to you," Palmer said softly.

"But they did. And it messed up their lives."

"That's not your fault. They didn't have to listen to you. They didn't have to take your advice. They could've asked someone besides you. That's on them, not on you."

Tony shook his head, saying nothing.

"None of this is your fault," Palmer said strongly.

"I wish I could believe that," Tony said. "I had no business playing counselor for them."

"You've had training in it."

"I'm not certified."

"It's not like it was official business. You were talking to them. They asked for help, and you tried to give them advice. While it may not have been the best, it's not your fault they actually listened to you."

"But they did."

"What someone else does isn't your fault, Tony."

"It is if I plant the idea in their head."

Palmer sighed, annoyed. "They didn't have to listen to you," he stressed. "If this advice is as bad as you say it is, they should have realized it before they took it. They should've gotten advice from more than one person, more than one point of view on the situation. It. Is. Not. Your. Fault."

Tony sighed softly, looking down at the floor.

Palmer felt bad for being so harsh with Tony when he was sick, but he knew there was no other way to get through to the older agent when he was this stubborn.

"You're right," Tony said softly, closing his eyes. He lay back down on the couch, snuffling quietly.

"Medicine first," Palmer said, making Tony sit back up. After Tony took his medicine and started to fall asleep, Palmer sat back in the other chair, wondering just how long Tony had been keeping that guilt buried, and if it made him feel any better letting it out.

*~*~*~*

The next time Tony woke up, Gibbs was sitting in the chair Palmer had been in earlier. Tony groaned softly before coughing harshly.

Gibbs got up and gave him a glass of water.

"Thanks," Tony rasped, drinking from the glass.

Gibbs nodded, sitting back in the chair.

Tony put the glass on the coffee table, coughing. "I wish colds could get better just by sheer wish-fulfillment," he said softly.

Gibbs shrugged, but smirked lightly.

Tony shifted the blanket around him, sitting up against the pillows his head had been on.

"How're you feeling?" Gibbs asked finally.

"Better," Tony said.

Gibbs stared at him.

"Maybe not physically, but in other ways…"

Gibbs nodded, understanding that sometimes, Palmer was the best thing for Tony.

Tony shrugged, settling tiredly into the couch cushions before coughing.

"What have you been hiding?" Gibbs asked softly.

"Mistakes," Tony replied. "Things I did while I was afloat that just… didn't end well."

"The _Reagan_?"

Tony narrowed his eyes. "Vance tell you?"

"Nope."

Tony nodded, realizing that this was another moment of 'Gibbs has his ways.' He coughed again before taking a drink of water.

"What exactly happened?" Gibbs prodded gently.

"I was miserable, and people turned to me for advice," Tony replied. "It worked out badly for them."

"Not your fault."

"I see that now."

"You been punishin' yourself for that?"

Tony bit the inside of his cheek, looking at Gibbs tiredly. "Just… one more thing on the list, you know?"

Gibbs said nothing, just looking down.

"I don't know what I'm doing anymore, Boss. And I can't really remember the last time I had any idea." Tony sneezed before coughing again. "It was definitely before this all happened. Before I was kidnapped. Maybe even before you left for Mexico."

Gibbs knit his brows together. "That was two years ago," he said softly.

"I know it was," Tony said. "But… that was the last time I really felt like I had a handle on things. You leaving… it kind of started a spiral. And then, the way things went with Jeanne… and everything else last year… I haven't felt in control in a long time. No one really needs me, you know? Not like they did before."

Gibbs tilted his head to the side and back. "Team needs you."

Tony shook his head. "They need _you_. They've always needed you. When you left, the only thing I could do to get them to try to pay attention to me was to be like you." Tony coughed before shrugging. "Didn't really work for me like it did for you. It's not as effective when you've had the real deal."

"They still need you."

Tony frowned. "They need someone who does the job. And all I am right now is someone who loses it."

Gibbs leaned closer to Tony. "Tony, if I ever feel you're losing it, I'll take you out myself. You're doing fine. And the team does need you."

"They get more done when I'm not there," Tony reminded him softly.

Gibbs shook his head. "Not always," he said, reclining back.

Tony frowned. "I never know when you're serious or you're lying to me."

Gibbs smirked.

Tony exhaled softly, resting his head against the back of the couch.

The two were silent until the door opened behind them. Tony looked over at Gibbs, who turned his attention to the door.

"How's our little patient?" Abby asked, walking into the living room. Ziva put a few bags down in the kitchen as McGee made his way into the living room too.

"Going to get you all sick," Tony tiredly replied, sneezing.

"You sound better," Ziva threw in from the kitchen.

Tony looked at Gibbs. "See? I told you I was doing better."

Gibbs didn't say anything.

Tony turned his attention to McGee. "How're you doing?"

"Pretty well," McGee said, sitting down next to Gibbs while Abby sat down next to Tony's feet and Ziva set about in the kitchen.

"What is this?" Tony asked, looking at Ziva before looking to Abby.

"It's Family Dinner night," Abby said, smiling. "Ziva offered to cook. Ducky should be here a little later. He had to finish an autopsy for Balboa and then visit his mother quickly. Palmer has a paper due tomorrow, so he can't make it."

"He was here earlier, though."

Abby nodded, patting Tony's leg gently. He started to move them off the couch, but she stopped him. "You rest," she emphasized.

"I feel fine," Tony protested before coughing.

"Yeah, you sound fine," McGee retorted.

"You sound like a walrus," Ziva said from the kitchen.

"Seal, Ziva," Tony corrected.

"Whatever."


	23. Chapter 22

A/N: Updating this tonight because tomorrow's a holiday. See the first chapter for the disclaimer. This is the second to last chapter, which should be up next week. Happy holidays! I hope you all enjoy this chapter, and please review. :D

* * *

Chapter 22: First Day Back

Tony looked up as McGee strolled into the bullpen. "Look at you," Tony commented, a slight smirk gracing his face. "First day back."

"Feels good," McGee said genuinely, dropping his gear behind his desk.

"Yeah, but sometimes, the bad can seem worse," Tony cautioned, turning back to his computer.

McGee looked over curiously, but didn't push the issue, remembering the blowout the two had a little over a month ago.

Tony also wasn't interested in developing that line of thought further, turning back to the file on his desk.

"Do we have a current case?" McGee asked.

"Not at the moment," Tony replied. "Just wrapped one."

McGee nodded, sitting behind his desk.

"And, before you ask, Ziva has strep throat," Tony said, still not looking up from the file on his desk.

"She get that from you?" McGee asked, half-teasing.

Tony shook his head, not registering the joke. "I only had a cold."

McGee furrowed his brow. "Are you alright?"

"What?" Tony asked, looking up again.

"I don't know. You just… don't really seem like you. Outside that first thing you said when I walked in."

Tony shrugged. "I'm just tired, Probie."

McGee nodded, noticing that the bags under Tony's eyes were still present, but he couldn't tell if they were better or worse than the last time he saw them. Truthfully, he couldn't tell what was going on with Tony these days.

In some instances, Tony would be a sarcastic smartass. He would smile, he would joke, and he would tease. Sometimes, he was completely and utterly annoying. Depending on who was on the receiving end of Tony, it was either funny or a death wish.

And then sometimes, it was like someone flipped a switch, and Tony would become quiet. He'd sit almost completely still, or he'd become incredibly agitated and snappy. He looked tired, he looked worried, and it was in those moments that everyone around him began to be concerned.

Would Tony ever be the same?

"Staring problem, Probie?" Tony asked gently, finishing up his work on the paper in the file.

"No," McGee said, recovering somewhat. "Just thinking, that's all."

Tony stopped working and looked up. "About?"

"How long you've been working alone with Gibbs?"

Tony smiled lightly. "I wasn't alone. Craig was here. He left yesterday."

McGee nodded. "Where'd he go?"

"Back to Norfolk."

"Oh."

Tony gave him another ghost of a smile, turning back to his paperwork.

Gibbs strode into the bullpen, walking over to his desk. He sat down, hitting a few keys before turning to McGee. "Welcome back," he said somewhat unceremoniously, but welcoming all the same.

"Thanks, Boss," McGee replied.

Gibbs nodded, leaning back in his chair as McGee started working on his computer. Tony finished with the file in front of him, standing up and handing it to Gibbs. The older man tried to get Tony's attention, but the younger agent retreated to his desk quickly and quietly. Before Gibbs could probe that further, his phone rang.

After a short conversation, he called out, "Grab your gear."

*~*~*~*

"Lieutenant Shirley Johnson," Tony reported. "Nurse here at Bethesda, in the emergency department. 24, single, lives alone. As far as her colleagues know, no enemies, no one who would want to kill her. I'll double check that when we get back."

Gibbs nodded, taking in the clinical way Tony was describing the situation.

"Ducky should be here soon, McGee's taking pictures of the scene, and I'm working on the sketches."

Gibbs nodded again, watching as Tony flipped his notebook closed and headed back to his gear. He heard the second truck pull up, and the usual argument of who got them lost on the way to the crime scene. He shook his head, wondering if Palmer would ever learn that he would always lose that fight.

"Sorry we're late, Jethro," Ducky said. "Mr. Palmer got sidetracked."

"You told me to go somewhere else," Palmer said, aggravated.

"I told you to go to Bethesda."

Gibbs shook his head again as Ducky and Palmer walked over to the crime scene, still arguing.

*~*~*~*

Tony walked into Autopsy, looking at Ducky and Palmer. Palmer nodded quietly, excusing himself from the room to give Tony and Ducky some space.

"What can I do for you, Anthony?" he asked, looking up at the agent.

Tony shrugged quietly.

"You wanted Mr. Palmer to leave."

"Actually, Ducky, I just wanted to go someplace in the building where people aren't staring at me and trying to psychoanalyze me," Tony said softly.

Ducky nodded. "Would you rather I ignore you?"

"You don't have to. I just don't… I don't know."

"Why don't you talk for a while? Or you could take a nap."

"I've actually been sleeping a little better lately," Tony said, relaxing on an empty table. "Still not heating these yet?"

Ducky chuckled. "I'm afraid it's not yet in the budget."

Tony laughed softly, closing his eyes.

"Are you still having nightmares?" Ducky asked softly, still working.

"Some," Tony replied.

"How bad are they?"

Tony shrugged. "Same as they've always been. Sydney tells me they might never get better, but they should get less frequent."

"About how often?"

"Maybe one every two or three nights."

"Insomnia?"

"Some."

"Because of stress, or because you're afraid?"

"Stress, mostly. Stress makes them worse, you know? I slept pretty well when I was sick."

Ducky chuckled softly. "I bet."

Tony smiled slightly. "I did… except for the whole breathing thing."

Ducky laughed.

"Ducky, can I ask you something?"

"Of course," the older man replied gently.

"How long will it take before I'm not afraid to close my eyes? Before I stop seeing it in my nightmares? Before I can sleep peacefully again?"

Ducky frowned, thankful his back was to Tony so that the younger man didn't see his reaction. "I wish I had an answer for you," Ducky said regretfully.

Tony exhaled through his nose sharply, nodding. "Yeah, me too."

"The only thing I can say is…"

"One day at a time?"

Ducky nodded. "I gather you're rather familiar with that phrase."

"Yeah, very."

"May I ask you something, Anthony?"

"Sure, Ducky."

"Are you down here to avoid Timothy?" Ducky asked gently.

Tony half-chuckled, half-scoffed. "No, not really," he replied.

"Then, what is it?"

"Ducky, you ever get the feeling that everyone's watching you? Trying to read your inner thoughts? Find your deepest, darkest secrets?"

"Oh, many times. Yes, it rather reminds me of a time when I was in the Royal Army…"

"Did any of them ever figure them out?" Tony interrupted.

Ducky paused, considering it. "No," he answered finally. "They never found out."

Tony raised and lowered his eyebrows. "There isn't anyone on our team that doesn't know," he said quietly.

Ducky didn't respond, knowing Tony would want to talk this out.

"I mean… you and Gibbs always knew. Even before I told him, he knew. And you knew. Ziva… Ziva kinda figured things out. I don't know if I've ever told her, but she knows. Abby… Abby doesn't want to know, but she does anyway. McGee… McGee had the misfortune of being with me when I had a drunken panic attack on Gibbs' lawn, and he heard everything. Palmer… Palmer has the uncanny ability to just… know without being told."

Ducky nodded slightly.

"And I get the feeling that every time I walk past you all, each one of you is watching, waiting for the moment when… I don't know. When I snap or something."

"We're not waiting for it with anticipation or anything," Ducky said. "We're concerned."

"I know," Tony said. "It just…"

"Feels like a lot of pressure?" Ducky supplies.

Tony nodded. "Something like that."

"I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be. I mean, I appreciate the concern, I really do."

"I imagine it makes it harder."

"Knowing you guys are concerned, or knowing that you're watching?"

"Knowing that we're watching."

Tony nodded, even though Ducky couldn't see. And Tony's silence was enough of an answer for Ducky.


	24. Epilogue

A/N: See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I'm glad you guys have all come along with me on this ride, and I hope this last chapter doesn't disappoint. Happy New Year and new decade! I hope you guys enjoy this, and please review. :)

* * *

Epilogue: The Boy Is Gone

Ziva walked into the bullpen, finding McGee sitting behind his computer. "Morning, McGee," she greeted, dropping her gear briefly onto the desk.

McGee nodded in response, causing alarm to rise in her.

"Is everything okay?"

"Not really," he replied. "We've got a new case, but I can't get in touch with Tony."

"He is not here?" she asked, looking at his empty desk.

"Hasn't come in yet. And he's not answering his phones."

"Does Gibbs know?"

McGee shrugged. "I haven't seen him yet."

Ziva picked up her phone, dialing Tony's number.

_Hi, you've reached Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo. Leave a message after the tone._

She hung up rather than leaving a message before dialing his apartment.

_No one is available. Please leave a message._

She looked over at McGee, concern etched deeply into her features. This was going to be a rough day if no one reached Tony.

*~*~*~*

Gibbs walked into Vance's office, eyeing the director cautiously. "Got Agent DiNozzo's request for personal leave," the director said.

"I endorsed it," Gibbs replied casually.

"So did I. Agent DiNozzo's been through a lot this past year. Maybe some time away will be good for him. He has the green light to take however long his psychiatrist says he needs."

Gibbs nodded, understanding the true meaning of that. "I'll let her know."

Vance nodded, and Gibbs turned.

"I'm going to call Norfolk and ask Agent James to fill in while Agent DiNozzo is out," Vance said.

"Do what you need to," Gibbs said.

"I hope, for Agent DiNozzo's sake, that this works out well for him. Agency needs people like him."

Gibbs nodded, walking out of the office.

*~*~*~*

The ringing phone was starting to annoy him, so Tony turned it off. He just wanted to sleep late, relax, and forget about work. Tomorrow, he would get into his beloved blue Mustang and drive. He didn't know where he was going, and right now, he didn't care. This was probably the best thing for him. Time to himself. Time to figure out his life. Time away from the job, away from the stress, away from the watchful eyes.

Sure, it was running. But it was a better idea than crumbling before everyone's eyes. It wasn't that he was a coward. It was that his defenses needed repair, and the best way to fix it was to get away from the pressure.

Tomorrow, he would drive wherever he felt like. And tomorrow was a new reason for living.

*~*~*~*

"Boss, I can't get a hold of Tony," McGee said, looking up as Gibbs walked in.

"He's taking some time off," Gibbs replied simply. "Grab your gear."

"For how long?" Ziva asked.

"However long he needs. Let's go."

*~*~*~*

Later in the day, Ziva sat there, staring at her phone. Gibbs noticed, moving to stand in front of her. She looked up at him, worried eyes meeting curious ones. Ziva nodded slowly. Silence, a glance to the phone, and five final words.

"He'll call when he's ready."

The End.


End file.
